In my issues around eating I have experimented with anorexia, bulimia, and believe I might be now going through a phase of orthorexia, where I'm obsessively trying to eat healthy, and trying to make everyone around me do the same, and feeling very very tired and depleted in this new form of perfectionism.
This morning I walked the dogs in the forest and cried and prayed for my God to somehow show me a way to love and accept myself as I am and teach me healthier ways to improve my state of health and state of mind.
My life is filled with blessings, please don't think me ungrateful, but I feel a strong need at the moment to face my fears and insecurities, look them in the face and soar above them somehow, becayse until now they've been in charge and I've had enough of being unkind to myself and wishing I was slimmer, healthier, funnier, a better girlfriend/fiancee/wife, friend, daughter, better this, better that... ENOUGH of the nonsense, I believe in God's power to heal me and I'm ready to listen and surrender and hand over to him all the weight, physical, mental, spiritual that I have dragged around pretty much all my life.
It's time to believe I am loveable even I don't feel very loved, it's time to believe I am valuable even if I'm not saving the whole world, time to see myself through God's eyes and change perspectives. Swap self doubt for faith, self loathing for respect, judging myself for compassion and kindness and develop the attitude towards myself that I try to have towards others around me.
I do this keeping in mind the serenity prayer, asking God for strength to accept what I cannot change, courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I wait patiently, hand over my fears and anxiety and trust that the guidance is on its way. Amen.
