March 29...

It was March 29, a bright and sunny Sunday, but other than that quite an ordinary working day as days went back then. Since the beginning of November, almost half a year before that day, almost every day would unfold in a similar way, waking up at around 5am after a brief 5 hour sleep, exercising my two little furry companions and getting ready so that at 7am I would already be getting other people out of bed... Of course within the seemingly similar routine, every day would bring invaluable lessons and uplifting beautiful moments with my new found friends, with the occasional challenges embedded too, but mainly rewarding moments. Care work is beautiful therapy after a big break up... It stops you from escaping straight into another relationship just so that you can carry on looking after someone, it gives you plenty of very grateful people to look after without the hassle of a rebound relationship. Looking back becoming a carer for a while was one of the wisest decisions I have ever made. I met many a beautiful souls, learned how to laugh when all I really wanted to do was cry and was reminded day in day out of what is important in life. Most of the people I looked after were close to having three digits on their next birthday cake and in my experience people who are fortunate enough to reach that age know quite a bit about what is worth worrying about in life and what isn't at all. So without being fully aware of it, by the time March 2015 appeared on my previously quite gloomy and in some ways lonely horizon, somehow I had managed to let go of a lot more than I had realised. At that point I was working 6 days a week 7am to 11pm quite often, something I never thought i'd be capable of! Whereas for the previous months one of my favourite pastimes in between visits was revisiting the past and wrestling with the myriad of regret filled thoughts and the what ifs and maybe there's a way back, on that bright sunny day it was just about to be revealed to me exactly how far I had come from the November darkness. All the walks in the woods and prayers for guidance to help me release the past were just about to start paying off... It was around 11am and I had just finished a call with a lady who we would have very light-hearted little chats with about her favourite recipes from her times of working as a chef in sunny Spain, and she would share one after the other while I helped her get ready for the day. In return I would give her the 'next installation' of my very own 'Coronation street' as I called it as I was always saying that I didn't need to watch any soaps around that time because my very own life was offering more than enough unexpected events and complications already. I got in the car having finished my call with her and decided to do something I didn't normally do around that time of day, something about the sunshine on that early spring day was calling me home to take the doggies out for a short walk to make the best of all the vitamin D. I drove straight home to my little sanctuary of a caravan site and just as I was approaching the little shop on site I remembered that I needed to pay my rent. I didn't really feel like going in and even looked in the rear view mirror thinking that mirror has seen better days, still with that thought I gave myself a nudge to just get the rent out of the way and then I can go and enjoy the sunshine with my little friends. As I walked into the shop there are three things I distinctly remember. My friend and guardian angel on site behind the till pouring out her usual nonsense, a young guy facing her seemingly very engrossed in it all, sweet Jilly has that effect on people! and being someone who is incredibly sensitive to energies in my environment, walking into that space that day there was a very light and inviting atmosphere that immediately put a smile on my face. Normally I'm quite reserved around people I haven't met and can be withdrawn and apologetic, but not on this occasion, I stepped closer to the till and unintentionally, but quite confidently interrupted the natter and asked to pay my rent while joking at the same time about my friend's latest bra advert or some other similar lunacy. The next thing I know the guy to my right tells me that he had been paid a little visit from one of my dogs. It wasn't difficult to figure out which one it might have been, only owning one Houdini, so I curiously listened to his account of the events that had taken place while I was cluelessly looking for her somewhere else... He said he was opening the zip of his awning one evening when two little eyes peeped in all of a sudden giving him quite a fright. He then invited her into his caravan where she got very cosy on his sofa, way to go Lujzi, while he started looking for a lead of some sort to bring her home safely to me. Apparently he had already seen me with them before!?! So the plan was, he was going to walk around the caravan site with her looking for my car, which as it turned out he was also familiar with... Lujzi, not surprisingly enjoyed the sofa and the little cuddle on it and when there was no promise of any lead like object her new found friend decided to try and walk her home without a lead, bless his unknowing kind soul :) you only make that mistake once with my Lujzi! So off they went in search of my caravan, but didn't get further than two steps away (i'm guessing, knowing Lujzi) she must have legged it before they even reached the corner of his caravan... I listened to this highly entertaining little story with great delight and amusement at what a little hidden life my rascal of a dog had had behind my back and couldn't help feeling an inkling of excitement creeping in at the luck that out of the 67 caravans or so on site she had decided to pay a visit to this one... With the story told this gentleman who I had no idea existed until this very day stepped towards the door and looked at me one more time with a look I will never forget. There was the most perfect combination of kindness and cheekiness I had ever seen and a smile like no other, and with that smile he walked out of that shop and straight into my heart like no one ever before. I had no doubt in that moment that I had met somebody more than special...

On friendship...

The reason I am exploring this topic is not because I have something to teach, I don't have the answers, I too am looking... There's a feeling of heaviness and frustration that won't go away even though I've been asking for guidance about this for quite a while. I believe my guidance is telling me to write about it, to heal myself and hopefully others too in the process. I used to think that being a good friend or person for that matter meant giving everything you had no matter what, being available all the time and putting others' needs before yours... I was 'taught' by my grandmother that changing your mind was not acceptable, if you agreed to do something with someone it was carved in stone and changing your plan was not an option. I also absorbed the message from my very own father, bless his unknowing soul back then, that I 'always seemed to be having conflicts with [my] friends, so it must be my very own fault...' just what you want to hear when you are trying your best with what you know to resolve something. And my very beautiful mother would keep giving and giving and giving some more, but not to herself, only those around her, it would have been such a blessing for both of us if she had only valued herself a little more back then, but so proud of her at the same time that that has changed, it is never too late to change she has proved. In my teenage years (which let's face it is not the easiest time for anyone, having taught 12-18 year olds for several years I can confidently say that) I wandered around world (quite literally having lived in continent after continent) with these 'lessons' swarming around my head and heart. Living in 3 different countries on 3 different continents by the time I had reached the age of 11 held a myriad of wonderful blessings and adventures, but difficulties too. Looking back on my own experiences and having the chance to still be working with children I believe your early years are so important in building friendships and relationships in general. If you move home, school and country every time you have just about settled in a new place, that definitely does something to the relationships you have created and your self-esteem too. I have started to revisit these memories not because I am unhappy with my life, quite the contrary, I don't think I've ever felt so blessed in so many ways. Life has given me so much reassurance and faith lately, a peaceful and loving relationship with my family, a nurturing and cosy home that I adore coming HOME to, a job that I have come back to after a year of 'therapeutic escape' and that challenges me still but inspires me so much at the same time, several beautiful friends who love me for who I am and take what I can give with appreciation and give me so much joy and support, and last but not least a Love that I never even dreamed could be possible, one in which I am like a little giggly child again who is happy to wake up in the morning and can't wait to find out what the day brings because there is nowhere else in the world she would rather be than right next to Him. Maybe all these blessings are actually the things giving me the courage to face those parts of me that I'm still not very comfortable with looking at. My role as a 'friend' is one of those areas. I have to admit that at this moment in time I couldn't be more clueless about what makes a good friend. I know the ways in which I try to be one. In the last year since I moved into my caravan and started living surrounded by nature I started getting into the habit of praying out in nature as a way of offloading my worries. I still share with my closest friends, but only after I've tried to resolve it through prayer. I didn't use to do that and would ring the first number I could think of as soon as a cloud came my way and ended up in my opinion overloading my friends, which I try to avoid now. Instead, walking in the woods with my dogs and whispering my thoughts to the birds and trees seems to bring me the greatest peace of mind that any communication ever has... I also allow my friends to change their minds and look at a cancelled 'girly time' as a window of opportunity to find some other joyful way of recharging. I take what is given to me with appreciation, or at least I hope I do and if I feel there is something lacking I look for ways to give myself that which I feel I am most needing. I make an effort to reconnect with those who light up my life, but only do it when it feels genuine and not out of obligation. In a way I've let go expectations from friends and everyone around me really and go with how I feel around certain people. Is it selfish to only want to be around people who you feel you can be yourself with? Who take whatever little you can give and appreciate it, trusting that you are always doing your best? Who give you the space and time to deal with your own challenges in life and who don't rely on you to recharge them every time they face an obstacle? I used to want to save everybody, now I just find that incredibly exhausting somehow. Have I turned selfish or healthy? Who's to say? Yoga is such a blessing I have to discover and rediscover over and over again. One of the most incredible yoga teachers I have ever had once said this at the beginning of his classes: 'it is good to help others but how do you know you are giving too much? You are harming yourself. When you start sacrificing your own well-being, you know you have reached your limit.' I'd like to think that whoever is a true friend will respect that I have limitations, quite a few, and looking after myself has to come before giving others, otherwise you're just handing out emptiness, giving away things you don't actually have... Another wise man, M Scott Peck in his book, one of my all time favourites The Road Less Travelled said we are all trying so hard to be perfect at everything that we do, trying to be the perfect lover, perfect at our jobs, our friendships etc. He concluded that if we can just be the very best companion to the person that we love and be the best in our family, we are already doing much more than most people. I hope this message finds whoever it needs to and that whoever reads it sees the loving intention in it, not the criticism, not the lack of care but the problem of probably caring a bit too much. With loving and healing intentions.... N

Every long journey begins with a single step... My journey into faith...

This day started out like many others, waking up slightly hung over, but not from an exciting party, but another of many, now becoming too many twelve hour shifts, planning to walk the dogs, catch up with three days of washing up and tidying and then prepare some apple and cinnamon pancakes. Not to say there was anything wrong with these plans, but I was very soon reminded again, that 'life (indeed) is what happens while you sit and make plans. I put the dogs leashes on, still half asleep, and stepped outside our caravan. The rays of autumn sunshine were quick to greet us on our way out, the air crisp and fresh, my breath starting to show, being October after all. I couldn't have taken more than ten steps up the road when I felt a sudden yank on who else's but Lujzi's leash and off she was in an instant, leash and all chasing some other four legged creature.... In my first reaction I was fantasizing of doing many things to her, none of which I would like to share here, but a few moments later as I turned around to see where she had shot off to, I caught a glimpse of something so stunning it took my breath away. The early morning sun was rising behind the trees surrounding our caravan, the rays of light pouring through the branches trying to make their way excitedly through the little clouds of fog in their way, creating such a symphony of light and mist and movement that I completely forgot where I was headed, I just stood there and stared. I was taken back to another time I had lost Lujzi and had decided to make an adventure of it instead of get angry, so here was my cue to do the same today. I started walking in the direction my feet were taking me and just around the corner from where I lost the little beast, one of our neighbours had the boot of her car wide open and in the boot sat an enormous figurine of someone sat cross legged in stillness and prayer perhaps... Did I need a clearer sign than that? So I headed home to sit down and put to practice a mindfulness meditation I had just been reminded of a few days back on an incredibly fascinating homeopathy session, about which I will write more later. Without aiming for perfection this time I just sat down on the sofa, rubbed my hands together inspired by a current enlightening read 'Light is the New Black' and sat palms facing up observing my breath asking for guidance.... I don't think I was sat there more than three minutes when in the distance I started to hear a quiet little whimpering, slowly turning into barking. It could have been many other dogs living on site, but something inside me just told me to follow the sound. Out I went again, following the barking, still not convinced it was my own dog, and only passed about 5 caravans when I saw her silly little face peeping back at me in frustration of having tangled herself in yet another bush that was clearly misplaced according to her! I whispered a thank you and grinned at this little adventure life had handed me and went back to my sofa to finish my 20 minute mindfulness meditation to find out what else was in store for me today, hence this blog entry and hopefully many more to come. Part of my meditation was a brief dialogue with Jesus, which would come as a surprise to most people who know me well as most of my life I've been trying to 'find my faith' trying to label or identify what I believed in. I have always had faith, that I knew and always prayed, sometimes to the angels, sometimes Jesus, sometimes the universe or whoever might be listening, but for whatever reason I could never bring myself to commit to any single determined path, in a way I was enjoying the exploration and freedom way too much. However, I can no longer ignore the signs I've been receiving especially in the last year or so, interestingly since I turned 33, and feel as though I'm being called to share my journey with faith through my writing. So where to start a long journey? With one single step... My first conscious memory of Jesus Christ takes me back to when I was about 5 years old, living in Hungary at the time. Christmas must have been approaching as there was a little postcard on our dining room table, a picture of baby Jesus surrounded by angels, and having heard from my parents that 'baby Jesus would be visiting us at Christmas eve' I picked up the postcard with great excitement, with eyes and heart lit up and remember asking my parents whether I could hold the baby Jesus in my arms on Christmas eve. I forgot about this memory for a long long time but did not forget the many nights of my little self falling asleep whispering prayers to him with my grandmothers and beautiful great-grandmother. What followed in my adult years was many many years of doubt and searching and exploring, always keeping faith, but not really knowing how to define it. Then came an interesting turning point, one of many, a beautiful trip with a very special friend to none other than Rome. And just as Rome wasn't built in a day, this story came about and is still writing itself in a myriad of tiny bits and pieces... I was sat on the floor of Ciampino airport in Rome waiting for our flight to come home when I picked up the book my friend was reading, to satisfy my never ending thirst for knowledge and undying curiosity. I cannot remember the title but as far as I can remember the book was about one man's relationship with Jesus. At that time I was quite sceptical about having any relationship with him myself, but was curious about the book nevertheless. As I picked up the book and opened it, the next thing I notice is a tiny cross on the floor in front of my crossed legs, a tiny cross made of a threadlike material. I asked my friend if it belonged to her or if it was from the book, but she was just as surprised as I was. Two days later I'm driving to my last service user before going home and an elegant white car overtakes me coming out of a roundabout, wearing the following number plate: JEZUS, which is the Hungarian way of writing Jesus. Then another few days later I'm driving home from a very enlightening Native American story telling session at the Lantern Community in Ringwood when I stopped at some traffic lights and as a was half daydreaming out the window, I spotted a poster at the traffic lights, a human size poster of Jesus on the cross... Why have I decided to share all of this only now, after countless such incidents in the past year especially? All my life I thought I had an issue with food and my weight and a few months ago I asked for guidance to finally tackle this problem of what I thought to be a sugar addiction or food intolerance or something similar. It was towards the end of August this year that a very good friend of mine whose health related advice has always been spot on, advised me to go see a local homeopath who as my friend said might be able to help me get to the bottom of my food related worries. He only had an appointment available for beginning of October as he was fully booked up s I thought that's got to be a good sign! So off I went to the session a few days ago, trying to find the clinic in an area I used to live in not too long ago. As I pulled up in front of the house my jaw almost dropped as I realised that the house I was visiting was one that I had walked past hundreds of times with the doggies in the past thinking what a sweet little cottage it was and in a street with such lovely energy... Entering the clinic I was greeted by a very welcoming atmosphere, peaceful energy, health and positive energy radiating from everything in that space. Only waiting a short while the homeopath asked me to sit on a chair with a special mat on it that was connected to a machine and he strapped me onto another that he said would ask my body 9000 questions and we would discuss what my body had a strong reaction to. The garden behind me was boasting with flowers of every colour, lightness and playfulness and guardians such as butterflies, angels and St Francis of Assisi, whose prayer I have uttered on many occasions. As the machine scanned my body I waited rather impatiently to find out what foods I might be intolerant to, what I needed to change about my lifestyle etc. To my biggest surprise (or not) after giving me some very brief pointers in regards to food, like what to avoid (it turned out to be 3 items only) he said that what he found out from the scan is that he needs to ask me about my Christ consciousness. I almost fell off my chair. He confirmed something I felt deep inside that my 'food' issues are not physical food issues primarily, it's my spiritual hunger that I need to address. And so I will keep addressing through meditation and writing this blog. To close this entry I would like to share something very beautiful I experienced with a lady in the nursing home the other day. I had taken her breakfast in and was helping her eat it as her mobility doesn't always allow her to do it on her own. As she is not a very talkative lady and doesn't say very much instead of chatting with her I decided to pray for her. As she was eating her porridge I was silently uttering a prayer to Archangel Michael to look out for her on that day. Little did I suspect that the moment my prayer was uttered, she would look up to the ceiling and say 'what is that fluttering of wings I see?' Could there have been any clearer confirmation???

Real food

For as long as I can remember I have been on a mad search for a diet to follow, a lifestyle to live by. Having dabbled into vegetarianism, food combining, blood type diet, anti candida diet, this diet, that detox, falling victim of even anorexia at some point, reading and researching about a myriad of food related topics, a few weeks ago I came to a saturation point and realised I was utterly confused and frustrated and had no idea what in the world I was supposed to be eating. Then I stumbled upon a Ted talk about healthy eating where the lady was emphasizing that the most important thing was to eat as much 'real food' as possible. It all started to make sense and I realised that somehow subconsciously that was the direction life had already started steering me in. For years I had dreamed of going to the Lantern community organic market to buy my weekly veggies. Four weeks ago and every week since then, that dream has become reality. Every Wednesday I enjoy a serene and beautiful 10 minute journey down Hurn lane to the Ringwood lantern community market stall where I fill my brand new wicker basket with the most beautiful produce coming from a not only organic garden, but biodynamic agriculture! The potatoes taste amazing with no bitter aftertaste from pesticides, the green beans just melt in your mouth after steaming and you can't help but find yourself in a state of euphoria that food can actually taste so good. At first what kept me away for a while was the myth that organic food has to be expensive, so let's just stick to the cheap supermarkets. How wrong could I be! I now fill my lovely little basket with mouth watering fruits and vegetables: kohlrabi, cucumber, tomatoes, chard, broccoli, courgettes, green beans potatoes, grapefruit, apples, bananas, lemons just to list the precious finds of my last expedition and a beautiful bouquet of freshly picked flowers all for £20. I didn't end up filling my trolley, as I would do in a supermarket with a heap of things I don't really need, but go home with food bursting with life force and nutritional value. I'm happiest when on top of this I get around to baking my own spelt loaf and have the patience to ferment my own sauerkraut, and already dreaming of jam making and experimenting with proper sourdough bread. Don't be fooled, I have an enormous appreciation for chocolate, biscuits and fish and chips, often too much so, but now that has become the exception and not the rule, the yin to balance out the yang. In terms of meat eating I have found that the balance showed itself in a small local family business that let their animals roam freely and use no pesticides, eggs from a local farm where the chickens do the same. I have found a local farm to buy honey and have started growing some herbs and watercress and hope to get digging a bit more next spring to have a proper little veggie patch and a much loved blueberry bush again. Although I don't really like to give advice anymore, if I were to I would just say that what my experience and search has brought me is the desire to connect with my food and it's sources as much as possible, the urge to eat as many fresh live plants as I can, but most of discovering the joy of guilt free eating and joyful loving preparation and blessing of everything I put on the table. Bon appetite :)

Life's little synchronicities...

A dear friend of mine shared this fascinating article with me titled 51 symptoms of spiritual awakening. This article inspired me to start writing down some of the intriguing synchronicities that have been occurring around me lately. A few months before I met my twin flame, (I'm convinced he is as I've never felt so on wavelength with anyone) I was looking after a very special elderly lady to whom I grew very attached, as I would be in to see her four times a day 6 days a week, having long long chats with her day in day out updating her on the never ending twists and turns of my life back then. I always used to say to her that I didn't need to watch any soaps, my own life felt like 5 soap operas jammed into one. So it happened that one day not too long before last Christmas, this lady, let's call her Maria, said to me 'if you don't find a decent man within 6 months time, you can smack me!' I laughed and this became our little inside joke, I would often ask her how long I had until I could smack her and so we carried on the banter for the rest of the time that I was fortunate enough to have her in my life. However, her condition soon worsened and within about one month she was moved to another care home to receive appropriate care and sadly, I lost track of her. I would often think of her though, as we had such a lovely connection and being the little 'witch' that she was according to her own words, a kind witch who seemed to have a very peculiar sixth sense on so many levels, she had also sparked a new side of my own spirituality. The days and weeks passed, come March 29 I walk into the site shop to pay my rent unknowingly, and walk out of that shop having met the love of my life. A few weeks later I receive a phone call from the office telling me that sadly 'Maria' had passed away on March 27. Furthermore, she had left a little gift for me for my birthday with her children. A few days later I went to pick up my little package and opened one of the little boxes in the bag. It was hiding a lovely pair of earrings, red, blue, white and black in colour. As I was walking the doggies that day it dawned upon me that Maria had passed away 2 days before that amazing encounter in the shop and she somehow left me a pair of earrings that had exactly the same colours as the dress I was wearing that special day. I couldn't help but smile to myself and thanked her for bringing Him into my life and felt her so close to me I was somehow sure that she had heard me...

Gratitude diary

It's been quite a few months since my last entry and so much has happened since then, so many blessings and beautiful events that I don't even know where to begin. Therefore, I feel the need to begin by starting a little gratitude diary, where I can express at least some of the of the joy that has been pouring into my life. The yoga mat above doesn't just show my favourite little spot to practise yoga under a beautiful tree, overlooking a magical field of waving grass, it is also symbolic of a place I've reached in myself, physically and spiritually, where I feel whole, where yoga in its fullest sense is taking place, a union of body mind and spirit . I wish to thank life for bringing a very special person into my life when I least expected it, and for four months of loving and laughing and nurturing and dreaming and trusting and feeling at peace and wanting nothing, just being together. Thank You... Thank you also for the cosiest home and garden I have ever had and for being able to share it with 3 wonderful creatures, 2 furry, one not so furry :) Thank you for the serenity that has slowly found its way into my life, gradually filling up every little corner of it, places I didn't even know existed... Last but not least, thank you for showing me the way to stay true to myself. Today I finally found the courage to speak my truth and stand up for myself in a very challenging situation at work, where I was spoken to in a very unkind way and the things that were said to me were hurtful and not even true as it turned out. I was judged for doing my work 'too slowly' among other things... For the first time in what feels like an eternity I decided I didn't deserve to be treated this way and spoke my truth. It felt so right and so empowering and I did it without blame or anger, with as much kindness and discretion as I possibly could. Shakespeare couldn't have been more spot on when he said: This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Wait for it...

Someday someone is going to look at you with a light in their eyes you've never seen. They'll look at you like you're everything they've been looking for all their lives. Wait for it.

The girl discovered this brief but ever more powerful message shortly before her descent into the valley... It was one of the reasons she chose to actually... One early spring night in the stillness she was reminded of this message in an encounter with the buzzard. He reminded her that he was not it... And just as gracefully as the winter frost had given way to the daffodils of spring, the buzzard took flight and made room in the girl's heart for that light that she had always been waiting for...

And just as the spider weaves her magnificent web, life was already writing the next chapter of her journey...

Lessons from the buzzard

His favourite bird was the buzzard he said... He would end up teaching her very valuable lessons about life, about love, about how to fight for what she believed in, and embracing her tears and vulnerability... He knew every bird in every tree and every tree in the forest. He would pick her flowers and take her places she had long wanted to explore. But of all the places, the one he knew best how to find was the now, the precious present moment. Coming from very different walks of life, seemingly headed towards opposite directions, when their flights crossed paths, the stillness in their encounters seemed to create never ending spaces and presence. Not knowing what tomorrow would bring made every moment a treasure. His feathers, the language he spoke unfamiliar to her eyes and ears and still, in those brief moments in the sky together, there was a feeling of arriving home together. He made her realise what a gift there was in the now and in honesty, and that all we could ever really promise each other was the fullest sense of being together right here right now, and there he was... And in those moments there were no other places in the world, just their sacred space, just their loving flight... She started learning how to let go of examining the past and building any expectation of the future, she let go of judging everything, of needing anything. All she kept was the gratitude towards every sunrise and the intention to appreciate what each one would bring into her life. Instead of wanting to fly thousands of miles in search of faraway peaks and the possibility of another eagle, he made her long for the simple things in life, like going strawberry picking with someone, like baking cookies in your pyjamas together, like admiring a sky filled with fireworks on bonfire night from her favourite place on the beach, like visiting the swans in the nearby lake and listening to the breeze in the trees or the gentle sound of the rain, like waking up with someone who was just as ready for life's everyday adventures as you are. Most of these things they never actually got to experience together, but he played a very strong part in creating the dream nevertheless...

From peak to haven

The first year was like one long spring, the flowers seemed to blossom all year round, the sun always seemed to be shining, the night sky forever clear and starry, it felt like autumn would never come... But it did, and autumn turned into winter and after a few autumns and winters, the girl waited in vain for spring to arrive again. It was as if everything had fallen into a winter slumber, the strawberry sky now cloudy and gray. The past had stolen their future. Too many things left unsaid, too many hurts unresolved, too many opportunities for joy unnoticed... And so many of the clouds covering their strawberry sky were not even their own, just remnants handed down to them from past generations, but in those cold cold nights it was impossible to see any of this clearly. They both tried so hard to paint the sky pink again, to tease the stars out and make the sun shine once more, but the clouds of guilt and disappointment and sadness were much too heavy to be blown away by the wind. The inevitable came one day; they both had to look down from the peak and start walking into the valley in opposite directions. The winds on the way down were bitter cold, the nights very dark and seemed to last forever and the memories of being on top of the world haunting every step of the journey, for a while... The girl found a haven in the middle of the woods, a tiny but warm and safe den, with trees and birds as guardians looking over her on those endless nights. And as the days passed those nights became shorter, the days longer and slowly, little by little she was able to look up at the sky and catch a glimpse of the sensation that the strawberry sky had given her many many winters ago. She would venture out day after day with her two four legged companions and explore her surroundings further and further until one day, a lovely hill overlooking the valley presented itself and begged her to climb up and sit under a tree that lived there. From that hill she was able to see all the wonders that her new found haven had brought into her life, her new neighbours, the robins and blackbirds, the magpies and crows, many two legged and four legged creatures who had all of a sudden entered her life and all added a drop of sunshine to her days. Sometimes on very special days she would spot a dear or two gliding across the heathlands and on very rare occasions a buzzard would present itself to her, gracefully soaring above the tall trees, or sometimes just gazing at her from a broken tree stump. In moments under the tree on the hill, the wind would whisper things to the girl, it would encourage her to rediscover her love of dancing, to revisit her passion for music and singing, to start writing down her adventures, to keep searching for joy and the Love that she had always been seeking in every place that brought happiness into her heart. Her dreams would also carry sacred messages telling her to reunite her body mind and spirit through the practice of yoga and to keep following the signs that were given to her. One day she met a wise old lady, who said to her that she should pay attention and that Love was going to enter her life while walking with her dogs one day. The prospect sounded exciting and filled her with hope, but after many seemingly lonely walks, with only the trees and the birds to converse with, the memory of what the lady had said started to fade... By this time the eagle in her was appearing more and more, guiding her on every step of her journey, reassuring her that she was on the right path, showing her ways to strengthen the wings that had suffered many blows in the storms from the recent past... One unknowing mid winters day, after many seemingly wrong turns on her wanderings, she ventured out yet again with her little friends to search for joy and something to admire in her surroundings, something to lighten up the January sky. On the road she stumbled across a bird of some kind. The eagle in her was definitely sending some kind of signal, but she found it difficult to decipher what the message was. All she could sense was that he was a bird of some sort and that somehow they might be flying towards the same destination for a while...

The story of the girl who found out she was an eagle...

She had been reminded a few years before that she was an eagle; that she loved to soar above the mountains and aim for the highest peaks, that she dreaded the idea of staying in the low valleys for too long; but she didn't believe it. She was too scared to show her strength, to stand out and spread her wings, show her true colours, her own Song. All her life she was looking for the love and approval of others to make life in the valleys more bearable; that's what happens when you ignore the calling of your spirit. From as far back a she can remember she tiptoed through life so that she wouldn't make any noise, so that she wouldn't upset anyone, always remembering to say thank you, sorry, twice in every sentence if possible, and when a little voice inside cried out and wanted to be heard, she would reach for whatever she could find to push it back down again. A cigarette, a chocolate, the possibility of another love letter on the horizon; she did everything she could to stifle that little voice, to make it go away... As the years passed, the need to be loved and nurtured became stronger and stronger, Love was calling out to her, so she started looking for it wherever she went... One day she came across a garden, a beautiful garden. The flowers and trees there were full of life and colour, the sweet scent of roses permeating the air, the leaves of every plant greener than she had ever seen before. It was always warm in this secret garden, a nurturing breeze always drifting through it. All the people and animals who would come to this garden were kind and peaceful, always happy to see her there, always ready to offer a gentle, encouraging word, a home-baked bite to eat, an invigorating stroll too discover this serene landscape. As the days and then years passed in this garden she started to get a sense of what it feels like to be home, to be at peace, to feel safe. These were precious years. But this garden, no matter how beautiful and peaceful, could not sing her Song for her, she realised she couldn't rely on it for the rest of her life. Something in her heart resonated deeply with the garden, but as the years passed another landscape started calling her away from this serenity, a passion, a fire, an energy so wild that she wouldn't even dare to dream of bringing that into this secret garden. She fought it for a long time, pretended it wasn't there. The spark would appear suddenly seemingly out of nowhere, but she kept telling herself that she needed to be grateful for this beauty and peace that she has found and she was determined to not let anything upset that peace, especially not something that was so deep and dark and scary, as she thought back then. The gardener was a kind and beautiful soul and taught her many many valuable lessons on how to be patient, how to nurture the plants, how to look after the ones that weren't well, how to be spontaneous and ready for adventure to explore new lands. He showed her a glimpse of what unconditional love might look like, what a quiet, sensible life might feel like, but their connection started to wither slowly as her passion started burning stronger and stronger and could no longer be ignored. They tried to rebuild that connection by flying off to faraway lands together, but she was realising more and more that life was calling her elsewhere, to find her other eagle as was later revealed to her. She opened the gate of the garden and stepped out, not having the slightest idea what the unknown would hold, where the road would lead, but trusting that the voice now growing stronger and stronger inside her was calling her somewhere worth going... She still remembers the feelings of emptiness and fear, fixed with an excitement at the prospect of freedom and a new sense of strength emerging from deep within. Her wings were a bit weak and rusty from staying closed for so long, but they were much stronger than she had expected. She started following the path that was unfolding in front of her and without realising it, those rusty wings had flown her to a stunning peak, one higher and more breathtaking than she had ever seen before. And there, perched upon that peak was her eagle, or so she thought. This must be him, no doubt she remembers thinking. The moment their eyes met, that passion that she had been stifling for so long came to life and filled every inch of her body and soul. A sense of familiarity filled the air, like recognising an old friend from long long ago, a sense of a deep, everlasting connection, an energy too irresistable to fight, all she could do was surrender to it and follow the calling and trust that she had chosen the right path. Their early days together were filled with magical adventures with so many shared passions, strawberry skies, the rhythm and power of African drums and exhilirating dancing, rediscovering their birthplaces together with fresh eyes, joyful cycling, running, playing, freedom to love, to move to sing, to appreciate music and films and arts and science, anything seemed possible in those days... This was everything she had ever been looking for, she couldn't even imagine it being any other way. The light in their eyes shining like the starriest night, like two shooting stars making their way across the sky towards each other. This is how it felt back then... ....

Happiness is in the journey, not the destination...

Rome is a magical place beyond any expectation. Every little corner you turn, every sound that catches your ear, every flavour you come across holds a treasure that takes you back to the feeling of being a child discovering the world with fresh eyes... the birth of a brand new day...

the strength in a beautiful friendship, having someone who walks beside you and appreciates exactly who you are...

the past coming to life..

trees reaching for the clear blue sky...

the hope of loving again...

feeling like you're on top of the world...

greeted by every little bird...

...and every flower...

Nero the cat who lives in the Colosseum...

grace and beauty wherever you glance...

feeling like someone's always looking over you...

your very own yellow brick road...

a pair of red high heels hanging from a rooftop, in case you get lucky ;)

stifling an inner giggle when a very kind and intelligent tour guide nevertheless manages to keep saying 'and now let's fucus on this monument...' :)

your very own chariot ready to fly you wherever you dream of going...

a mystery to resolve...

a light in the dark...

food that captivates your imagination and all of your senses...

signs that life is sweet...

a mother, a child and their angels watching over your journey...

a cosy terrace waiting for some rays of sun and two special people to light it up...

one cobble street after the other teasing you to explore where it leads you...

the essential prosecco, preferably for breakfast lunch and dinner ;)

someone to share your breakfast with...

a glimpse of the Pope's window...

some special guardians of the Vatican...

and some others...

the promise of peace and light...

a rainbow of hope..

mesmerising genius...

a 'golden apple' of which one ironically and miraculously survived the bombing of the 'Big Apple' on 9/11... not so surprising to me is the coincidence that the word 'alma' which means apple in Hungarian is the word for soul in Latin...

and the symbol that all things lead into one on our 'Camino'...

And if it is true that all roads lead to Rome, go and discover your own colours of it. I thought I was going to see the Colosseum and the Vatican, but ended up going off the map and exploring the journey called LIFE itself and madly falling in love with it all, every second of it :) Closing with the message on my tea cup that witnessed the writing of this entry: 'Enjoy life, it's delicious!' :)

11 years... when life gives you lemons

When life gives you lemons, make some lemonade they say... I haven't written lately because quite frankly no matter how great lemonade tastes, sometimes enough is enough! I've had a few weeks of exploring, making mistakes, self-doubting, weeping and now I'm ready to laugh at myself about it all. With my first basket of lemons (recently) I bought my caravan and embarked on this very unique and transformational journey of living more simply, waking up to birdsong and stargazing on your way to brushing your teeth. Not a bad lemonade, really can't complain. Then another basket came along that led me to start writing this blog; again not a bad swap, looking back this blog is miles better than what I was originally after ;) And then there was a third basket, by which time I was getting a bit fed up of this whole lemonade business, but it brought light to another synchronicity in my '11 years' story. I've mentioned earlier about some very interesting coincidences circling around the last 11 years. A few nights ago I discovered yet another very significant one. I had just drifted off to sleep after a day of realising that I was again knocking on the wrong door and getting a bit fed up of trying to open ones that were locked. I woke up in the middle of the night and switched on my phone, which I don't normally do and can't really remember why I did at this particular moment, but there was a message there waiting for me. One thing led to another and I discovered a beautiful friend of mine from America was online. She happens to have an indescribable talent of filling you with hope no matter how dreary your situation. On this very dark night she reminded me of a dream I have had for many years, since my university days, which was to visit a Native American reservation and experience in person some of the secrets of Native culture. The idea and the vision of this happening lit up my gloomy caravan like a Christmas tree. Somehow it came up in our conversation that I had been dreaming about the number 4 recently and also a while back I found a little fortune cookie note in front of my door, I have no idea where it came from but it said 'your lucky number 4 will be knocking at your door'. When I mentioned all this to this kind soul, she brought to my attention that there is a place in the US called 4 corners, where 4 states meet: Colorado, New Mexico, Utah and Arizona. I started researching places to go and very randomly a page popped up with a volunteering opportunity in the Navajo Nation, which extends over the exact same four states. A week later I had already applied to go there. Only after I had done that, I realised that 11 years ago, when my Dad passed on, I was in the middle of applying for a scholarship to the US. I still had the chance to tell him that I was hoping to go and I remember asking for his guidance from the other side towards the end of the process. That trip never materialised, but I bet you anything he's got something to do with this one! I feel like something about Native American culture is calling me home, calling all of us home. I intend to follow this strong feeling and see where this road takes me. After all they say if you follow your dreams, you discover your destiny. Signing off with an Iroqouis prayer I read every morning to bring light into my day: An Iroquois Prayer for Thanksgiving We return thanks to our mother, the earth, with sustains us. We return thanks to the rivers and streams, which supply us with water. We return thanks to all herbs, which furnish medicines for the cure of our diseases. We return thanks to the corn, and to her sisters, the beans and squash, which give us life. We return thanks to the bushes and trees, which provide us with fruit. We return thanks to the wind, which, moving the air, has banished diseases. We return thanks to the moon and the stars, which have given us their light when the sun was gone. We return thanks to our grandfather He-no, .., who has given to us his rain. We return thanks to the sun, that he has looked upon the earth with a beneficent eye. Lastly, we return thanks to the Great Spirit, in whom is embodied all goodness, and who directs all things for the good of his children.

Like the leaves of a tree...

Letting go of things that were once very dear to us can be a lengthy, time consuming process. Some days are easier and you feel all excited about your newly discovered freedom and opportunities, some days are just empty and slow, some can be quite painful, pulling you back in the past making it hard to imagine that there is a way forward... The snow blanket that greeted me this morning reminded me of another frosty morning that brought me a beautiful message from nature. Having had the chance to reconnect with nature has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. It fills me with great joy to just observe the birds, the trees, the stars and moon all of which have become my new and greatly loved neighbours on this fascinating journey. It happened on that frosty morning that the tap I usually get my water supply from was covered in ice, not allowing one drop of water to pass through, so I gathered up my little jug and welly boots and headed to the other side of the site to find a tap that wasn't frozen. As the water was filling my jug my mind wandered off to faraway places until a gently falling leaf brought my attention back to the present moment. The tree that had let go of this leaf had been a beautiful fiery orange in the previous couple of weeks, but on this day the leaf it had sent my way was one of its last ones left, preparing itself, and me for the winter quiet and slumber. I looked at the leaf and had a moment of clarity. When trees part from their leaves, they allow them to fall with grace. They don't try to pick them up again and stick them back on, holding on to them with all their might, they just let go, pure and simple... The fallen leaves eventually become one with the tree again, melting into the soil, nourishing their origin in a beautiful and magnificent way. Isn't nature sublimely wise?