It took me a mere 44 years of confusion, isolation, low self worth, eating disorders, communication struggles, loneliness and overstimulation to finally shed a tiny bit of light onto what may have contributed to a lot of that.
An old Hungarian magazine I used to read in my teens had a weekly article, 'I can't tell anyone, therefore I will tell everyone' I feel a bit like that. If I had a penny for every time I was told 'you think too much ', 'you overanalyze everything ', 'you're too sensitive ', 'you say thank you too often!' . The times I tried to be kind and offended and the times I tried to be real and still offended... I've reached a point of exasperation with trying to reach the outside world. Just about the only person who gets me is my five year old son. One difficult evening when I was feeling like a complete failure having been told I was always grumpy, I asked him if that's how he saw me.
His reply warmed my heart. He said 'Mummy you're more kind than grumpy '. There's hope after all I thought. He still has the beautiful quality of seeing the good in the midst of challenges. After a really tense day at home I asked how his day was. He said 'mummy it was the best!' I said how? His reply was 'i loved going to the allotment with you and getting you muddy' He is my biggest gift in this life, my ray of light.
How does it feel to be someone who is apparently on the autistic spectrum? According to a loved one 'everyone has struggles'...
Does everyone feel physical pain when a door is slammed or an ambulance switches on their sirens next to you?
Does everyone hide in a room at parties and cries because all the small talk and noise and too many people in the room is just too much.
Does everyone have a hugely complex relationship with food swinging from yo-yo dieting to anorexia to bulimia to orthorexia to the point where you feel bad no matter what you put in your mouth...
Does everyone feel exhausted from seeing even their own family for too long?
Does everyone feel like they have nothing meaningful to say because the way they try to express themselves just never gets to the other side the way it is intended?
Does everyone feel physical pain when feeling frustrated and then feel the ocean of shame of not being able to regulate one's emotions at the 'tender' age of 44?
Does everyone wake up in the morning frantically looking for their Course in Miracles book to do the early morning meditation before the day throws anything at them afraid that without it they won't be able to cope?
Is it really true that everyone gets the same anxiety at cooking a complicated meal at work and then gets asked to do two more things and then the phone starts to ring and you can barely breathe at the thought of not being able to get through the list of jobs piling up?
I'd love to know if everyone does feel these things... It would make me feel so much less lonely.
For now I take one day at a time and connect deeply only with those who allow me to be totally authentic. I used to be a social butterfly. The numbers have hugely dwindled to about a handful of people if that, who REALLY get me, appreciate me, and allow me the space to be unapologetically ME.
I thank you if you are one of those. You mean the world to me.
If anyone resonates with any of this, I will be glad to know if I've caused you just a second of relief from feeling alone with it all. If anyone wants to reach out privately I'm here. I'm happy to listen to anyone who is ready to be real. I don't have time or energy for any pretending any more.
With so much love,
N🦋
No comments:
Post a Comment