On friendship...

The reason I am exploring this topic is not because I have something to teach, I don't have the answers, I too am looking... There's a feeling of heaviness and frustration that won't go away even though I've been asking for guidance about this for quite a while. I believe my guidance is telling me to write about it, to heal myself and hopefully others too in the process. I used to think that being a good friend or person for that matter meant giving everything you had no matter what, being available all the time and putting others' needs before yours... I was 'taught' by my grandmother that changing your mind was not acceptable, if you agreed to do something with someone it was carved in stone and changing your plan was not an option. I also absorbed the message from my very own father, bless his unknowing soul back then, that I 'always seemed to be having conflicts with [my] friends, so it must be my very own fault...' just what you want to hear when you are trying your best with what you know to resolve something. And my very beautiful mother would keep giving and giving and giving some more, but not to herself, only those around her, it would have been such a blessing for both of us if she had only valued herself a little more back then, but so proud of her at the same time that that has changed, it is never too late to change she has proved. In my teenage years (which let's face it is not the easiest time for anyone, having taught 12-18 year olds for several years I can confidently say that) I wandered around world (quite literally having lived in continent after continent) with these 'lessons' swarming around my head and heart. Living in 3 different countries on 3 different continents by the time I had reached the age of 11 held a myriad of wonderful blessings and adventures, but difficulties too. Looking back on my own experiences and having the chance to still be working with children I believe your early years are so important in building friendships and relationships in general. If you move home, school and country every time you have just about settled in a new place, that definitely does something to the relationships you have created and your self-esteem too. I have started to revisit these memories not because I am unhappy with my life, quite the contrary, I don't think I've ever felt so blessed in so many ways. Life has given me so much reassurance and faith lately, a peaceful and loving relationship with my family, a nurturing and cosy home that I adore coming HOME to, a job that I have come back to after a year of 'therapeutic escape' and that challenges me still but inspires me so much at the same time, several beautiful friends who love me for who I am and take what I can give with appreciation and give me so much joy and support, and last but not least a Love that I never even dreamed could be possible, one in which I am like a little giggly child again who is happy to wake up in the morning and can't wait to find out what the day brings because there is nowhere else in the world she would rather be than right next to Him. Maybe all these blessings are actually the things giving me the courage to face those parts of me that I'm still not very comfortable with looking at. My role as a 'friend' is one of those areas. I have to admit that at this moment in time I couldn't be more clueless about what makes a good friend. I know the ways in which I try to be one. In the last year since I moved into my caravan and started living surrounded by nature I started getting into the habit of praying out in nature as a way of offloading my worries. I still share with my closest friends, but only after I've tried to resolve it through prayer. I didn't use to do that and would ring the first number I could think of as soon as a cloud came my way and ended up in my opinion overloading my friends, which I try to avoid now. Instead, walking in the woods with my dogs and whispering my thoughts to the birds and trees seems to bring me the greatest peace of mind that any communication ever has... I also allow my friends to change their minds and look at a cancelled 'girly time' as a window of opportunity to find some other joyful way of recharging. I take what is given to me with appreciation, or at least I hope I do and if I feel there is something lacking I look for ways to give myself that which I feel I am most needing. I make an effort to reconnect with those who light up my life, but only do it when it feels genuine and not out of obligation. In a way I've let go expectations from friends and everyone around me really and go with how I feel around certain people. Is it selfish to only want to be around people who you feel you can be yourself with? Who take whatever little you can give and appreciate it, trusting that you are always doing your best? Who give you the space and time to deal with your own challenges in life and who don't rely on you to recharge them every time they face an obstacle? I used to want to save everybody, now I just find that incredibly exhausting somehow. Have I turned selfish or healthy? Who's to say? Yoga is such a blessing I have to discover and rediscover over and over again. One of the most incredible yoga teachers I have ever had once said this at the beginning of his classes: 'it is good to help others but how do you know you are giving too much? You are harming yourself. When you start sacrificing your own well-being, you know you have reached your limit.' I'd like to think that whoever is a true friend will respect that I have limitations, quite a few, and looking after myself has to come before giving others, otherwise you're just handing out emptiness, giving away things you don't actually have... Another wise man, M Scott Peck in his book, one of my all time favourites The Road Less Travelled said we are all trying so hard to be perfect at everything that we do, trying to be the perfect lover, perfect at our jobs, our friendships etc. He concluded that if we can just be the very best companion to the person that we love and be the best in our family, we are already doing much more than most people. I hope this message finds whoever it needs to and that whoever reads it sees the loving intention in it, not the criticism, not the lack of care but the problem of probably caring a bit too much. With loving and healing intentions.... N