March 29...

It was March 29, a bright and sunny Sunday, but other than that quite an ordinary working day as days went back then. Since the beginning of November, almost half a year before that day, almost every day would unfold in a similar way, waking up at around 5am after a brief 5 hour sleep, exercising my two little furry companions and getting ready so that at 7am I would already be getting other people out of bed... Of course within the seemingly similar routine, every day would bring invaluable lessons and uplifting beautiful moments with my new found friends, with the occasional challenges embedded too, but mainly rewarding moments. Care work is beautiful therapy after a big break up... It stops you from escaping straight into another relationship just so that you can carry on looking after someone, it gives you plenty of very grateful people to look after without the hassle of a rebound relationship. Looking back becoming a carer for a while was one of the wisest decisions I have ever made. I met many a beautiful souls, learned how to laugh when all I really wanted to do was cry and was reminded day in day out of what is important in life. Most of the people I looked after were close to having three digits on their next birthday cake and in my experience people who are fortunate enough to reach that age know quite a bit about what is worth worrying about in life and what isn't at all. So without being fully aware of it, by the time March 2015 appeared on my previously quite gloomy and in some ways lonely horizon, somehow I had managed to let go of a lot more than I had realised. At that point I was working 6 days a week 7am to 11pm quite often, something I never thought i'd be capable of! Whereas for the previous months one of my favourite pastimes in between visits was revisiting the past and wrestling with the myriad of regret filled thoughts and the what ifs and maybe there's a way back, on that bright sunny day it was just about to be revealed to me exactly how far I had come from the November darkness. All the walks in the woods and prayers for guidance to help me release the past were just about to start paying off... It was around 11am and I had just finished a call with a lady who we would have very light-hearted little chats with about her favourite recipes from her times of working as a chef in sunny Spain, and she would share one after the other while I helped her get ready for the day. In return I would give her the 'next installation' of my very own 'Coronation street' as I called it as I was always saying that I didn't need to watch any soaps around that time because my very own life was offering more than enough unexpected events and complications already. I got in the car having finished my call with her and decided to do something I didn't normally do around that time of day, something about the sunshine on that early spring day was calling me home to take the doggies out for a short walk to make the best of all the vitamin D. I drove straight home to my little sanctuary of a caravan site and just as I was approaching the little shop on site I remembered that I needed to pay my rent. I didn't really feel like going in and even looked in the rear view mirror thinking that mirror has seen better days, still with that thought I gave myself a nudge to just get the rent out of the way and then I can go and enjoy the sunshine with my little friends. As I walked into the shop there are three things I distinctly remember. My friend and guardian angel on site behind the till pouring out her usual nonsense, a young guy facing her seemingly very engrossed in it all, sweet Jilly has that effect on people! and being someone who is incredibly sensitive to energies in my environment, walking into that space that day there was a very light and inviting atmosphere that immediately put a smile on my face. Normally I'm quite reserved around people I haven't met and can be withdrawn and apologetic, but not on this occasion, I stepped closer to the till and unintentionally, but quite confidently interrupted the natter and asked to pay my rent while joking at the same time about my friend's latest bra advert or some other similar lunacy. The next thing I know the guy to my right tells me that he had been paid a little visit from one of my dogs. It wasn't difficult to figure out which one it might have been, only owning one Houdini, so I curiously listened to his account of the events that had taken place while I was cluelessly looking for her somewhere else... He said he was opening the zip of his awning one evening when two little eyes peeped in all of a sudden giving him quite a fright. He then invited her into his caravan where she got very cosy on his sofa, way to go Lujzi, while he started looking for a lead of some sort to bring her home safely to me. Apparently he had already seen me with them before!?! So the plan was, he was going to walk around the caravan site with her looking for my car, which as it turned out he was also familiar with... Lujzi, not surprisingly enjoyed the sofa and the little cuddle on it and when there was no promise of any lead like object her new found friend decided to try and walk her home without a lead, bless his unknowing kind soul :) you only make that mistake once with my Lujzi! So off they went in search of my caravan, but didn't get further than two steps away (i'm guessing, knowing Lujzi) she must have legged it before they even reached the corner of his caravan... I listened to this highly entertaining little story with great delight and amusement at what a little hidden life my rascal of a dog had had behind my back and couldn't help feeling an inkling of excitement creeping in at the luck that out of the 67 caravans or so on site she had decided to pay a visit to this one... With the story told this gentleman who I had no idea existed until this very day stepped towards the door and looked at me one more time with a look I will never forget. There was the most perfect combination of kindness and cheekiness I had ever seen and a smile like no other, and with that smile he walked out of that shop and straight into my heart like no one ever before. I had no doubt in that moment that I had met somebody more than special...

On friendship...

The reason I am exploring this topic is not because I have something to teach, I don't have the answers, I too am looking... There's a feeling of heaviness and frustration that won't go away even though I've been asking for guidance about this for quite a while. I believe my guidance is telling me to write about it, to heal myself and hopefully others too in the process. I used to think that being a good friend or person for that matter meant giving everything you had no matter what, being available all the time and putting others' needs before yours... I was 'taught' by my grandmother that changing your mind was not acceptable, if you agreed to do something with someone it was carved in stone and changing your plan was not an option. I also absorbed the message from my very own father, bless his unknowing soul back then, that I 'always seemed to be having conflicts with [my] friends, so it must be my very own fault...' just what you want to hear when you are trying your best with what you know to resolve something. And my very beautiful mother would keep giving and giving and giving some more, but not to herself, only those around her, it would have been such a blessing for both of us if she had only valued herself a little more back then, but so proud of her at the same time that that has changed, it is never too late to change she has proved. In my teenage years (which let's face it is not the easiest time for anyone, having taught 12-18 year olds for several years I can confidently say that) I wandered around world (quite literally having lived in continent after continent) with these 'lessons' swarming around my head and heart. Living in 3 different countries on 3 different continents by the time I had reached the age of 11 held a myriad of wonderful blessings and adventures, but difficulties too. Looking back on my own experiences and having the chance to still be working with children I believe your early years are so important in building friendships and relationships in general. If you move home, school and country every time you have just about settled in a new place, that definitely does something to the relationships you have created and your self-esteem too. I have started to revisit these memories not because I am unhappy with my life, quite the contrary, I don't think I've ever felt so blessed in so many ways. Life has given me so much reassurance and faith lately, a peaceful and loving relationship with my family, a nurturing and cosy home that I adore coming HOME to, a job that I have come back to after a year of 'therapeutic escape' and that challenges me still but inspires me so much at the same time, several beautiful friends who love me for who I am and take what I can give with appreciation and give me so much joy and support, and last but not least a Love that I never even dreamed could be possible, one in which I am like a little giggly child again who is happy to wake up in the morning and can't wait to find out what the day brings because there is nowhere else in the world she would rather be than right next to Him. Maybe all these blessings are actually the things giving me the courage to face those parts of me that I'm still not very comfortable with looking at. My role as a 'friend' is one of those areas. I have to admit that at this moment in time I couldn't be more clueless about what makes a good friend. I know the ways in which I try to be one. In the last year since I moved into my caravan and started living surrounded by nature I started getting into the habit of praying out in nature as a way of offloading my worries. I still share with my closest friends, but only after I've tried to resolve it through prayer. I didn't use to do that and would ring the first number I could think of as soon as a cloud came my way and ended up in my opinion overloading my friends, which I try to avoid now. Instead, walking in the woods with my dogs and whispering my thoughts to the birds and trees seems to bring me the greatest peace of mind that any communication ever has... I also allow my friends to change their minds and look at a cancelled 'girly time' as a window of opportunity to find some other joyful way of recharging. I take what is given to me with appreciation, or at least I hope I do and if I feel there is something lacking I look for ways to give myself that which I feel I am most needing. I make an effort to reconnect with those who light up my life, but only do it when it feels genuine and not out of obligation. In a way I've let go expectations from friends and everyone around me really and go with how I feel around certain people. Is it selfish to only want to be around people who you feel you can be yourself with? Who take whatever little you can give and appreciate it, trusting that you are always doing your best? Who give you the space and time to deal with your own challenges in life and who don't rely on you to recharge them every time they face an obstacle? I used to want to save everybody, now I just find that incredibly exhausting somehow. Have I turned selfish or healthy? Who's to say? Yoga is such a blessing I have to discover and rediscover over and over again. One of the most incredible yoga teachers I have ever had once said this at the beginning of his classes: 'it is good to help others but how do you know you are giving too much? You are harming yourself. When you start sacrificing your own well-being, you know you have reached your limit.' I'd like to think that whoever is a true friend will respect that I have limitations, quite a few, and looking after myself has to come before giving others, otherwise you're just handing out emptiness, giving away things you don't actually have... Another wise man, M Scott Peck in his book, one of my all time favourites The Road Less Travelled said we are all trying so hard to be perfect at everything that we do, trying to be the perfect lover, perfect at our jobs, our friendships etc. He concluded that if we can just be the very best companion to the person that we love and be the best in our family, we are already doing much more than most people. I hope this message finds whoever it needs to and that whoever reads it sees the loving intention in it, not the criticism, not the lack of care but the problem of probably caring a bit too much. With loving and healing intentions.... N

Every long journey begins with a single step... My journey into faith...

This day started out like many others, waking up slightly hung over, but not from an exciting party, but another of many, now becoming too many twelve hour shifts, planning to walk the dogs, catch up with three days of washing up and tidying and then prepare some apple and cinnamon pancakes. Not to say there was anything wrong with these plans, but I was very soon reminded again, that 'life (indeed) is what happens while you sit and make plans. I put the dogs leashes on, still half asleep, and stepped outside our caravan. The rays of autumn sunshine were quick to greet us on our way out, the air crisp and fresh, my breath starting to show, being October after all. I couldn't have taken more than ten steps up the road when I felt a sudden yank on who else's but Lujzi's leash and off she was in an instant, leash and all chasing some other four legged creature.... In my first reaction I was fantasizing of doing many things to her, none of which I would like to share here, but a few moments later as I turned around to see where she had shot off to, I caught a glimpse of something so stunning it took my breath away. The early morning sun was rising behind the trees surrounding our caravan, the rays of light pouring through the branches trying to make their way excitedly through the little clouds of fog in their way, creating such a symphony of light and mist and movement that I completely forgot where I was headed, I just stood there and stared. I was taken back to another time I had lost Lujzi and had decided to make an adventure of it instead of get angry, so here was my cue to do the same today. I started walking in the direction my feet were taking me and just around the corner from where I lost the little beast, one of our neighbours had the boot of her car wide open and in the boot sat an enormous figurine of someone sat cross legged in stillness and prayer perhaps... Did I need a clearer sign than that? So I headed home to sit down and put to practice a mindfulness meditation I had just been reminded of a few days back on an incredibly fascinating homeopathy session, about which I will write more later. Without aiming for perfection this time I just sat down on the sofa, rubbed my hands together inspired by a current enlightening read 'Light is the New Black' and sat palms facing up observing my breath asking for guidance.... I don't think I was sat there more than three minutes when in the distance I started to hear a quiet little whimpering, slowly turning into barking. It could have been many other dogs living on site, but something inside me just told me to follow the sound. Out I went again, following the barking, still not convinced it was my own dog, and only passed about 5 caravans when I saw her silly little face peeping back at me in frustration of having tangled herself in yet another bush that was clearly misplaced according to her! I whispered a thank you and grinned at this little adventure life had handed me and went back to my sofa to finish my 20 minute mindfulness meditation to find out what else was in store for me today, hence this blog entry and hopefully many more to come. Part of my meditation was a brief dialogue with Jesus, which would come as a surprise to most people who know me well as most of my life I've been trying to 'find my faith' trying to label or identify what I believed in. I have always had faith, that I knew and always prayed, sometimes to the angels, sometimes Jesus, sometimes the universe or whoever might be listening, but for whatever reason I could never bring myself to commit to any single determined path, in a way I was enjoying the exploration and freedom way too much. However, I can no longer ignore the signs I've been receiving especially in the last year or so, interestingly since I turned 33, and feel as though I'm being called to share my journey with faith through my writing. So where to start a long journey? With one single step... My first conscious memory of Jesus Christ takes me back to when I was about 5 years old, living in Hungary at the time. Christmas must have been approaching as there was a little postcard on our dining room table, a picture of baby Jesus surrounded by angels, and having heard from my parents that 'baby Jesus would be visiting us at Christmas eve' I picked up the postcard with great excitement, with eyes and heart lit up and remember asking my parents whether I could hold the baby Jesus in my arms on Christmas eve. I forgot about this memory for a long long time but did not forget the many nights of my little self falling asleep whispering prayers to him with my grandmothers and beautiful great-grandmother. What followed in my adult years was many many years of doubt and searching and exploring, always keeping faith, but not really knowing how to define it. Then came an interesting turning point, one of many, a beautiful trip with a very special friend to none other than Rome. And just as Rome wasn't built in a day, this story came about and is still writing itself in a myriad of tiny bits and pieces... I was sat on the floor of Ciampino airport in Rome waiting for our flight to come home when I picked up the book my friend was reading, to satisfy my never ending thirst for knowledge and undying curiosity. I cannot remember the title but as far as I can remember the book was about one man's relationship with Jesus. At that time I was quite sceptical about having any relationship with him myself, but was curious about the book nevertheless. As I picked up the book and opened it, the next thing I notice is a tiny cross on the floor in front of my crossed legs, a tiny cross made of a threadlike material. I asked my friend if it belonged to her or if it was from the book, but she was just as surprised as I was. Two days later I'm driving to my last service user before going home and an elegant white car overtakes me coming out of a roundabout, wearing the following number plate: JEZUS, which is the Hungarian way of writing Jesus. Then another few days later I'm driving home from a very enlightening Native American story telling session at the Lantern Community in Ringwood when I stopped at some traffic lights and as a was half daydreaming out the window, I spotted a poster at the traffic lights, a human size poster of Jesus on the cross... Why have I decided to share all of this only now, after countless such incidents in the past year especially? All my life I thought I had an issue with food and my weight and a few months ago I asked for guidance to finally tackle this problem of what I thought to be a sugar addiction or food intolerance or something similar. It was towards the end of August this year that a very good friend of mine whose health related advice has always been spot on, advised me to go see a local homeopath who as my friend said might be able to help me get to the bottom of my food related worries. He only had an appointment available for beginning of October as he was fully booked up s I thought that's got to be a good sign! So off I went to the session a few days ago, trying to find the clinic in an area I used to live in not too long ago. As I pulled up in front of the house my jaw almost dropped as I realised that the house I was visiting was one that I had walked past hundreds of times with the doggies in the past thinking what a sweet little cottage it was and in a street with such lovely energy... Entering the clinic I was greeted by a very welcoming atmosphere, peaceful energy, health and positive energy radiating from everything in that space. Only waiting a short while the homeopath asked me to sit on a chair with a special mat on it that was connected to a machine and he strapped me onto another that he said would ask my body 9000 questions and we would discuss what my body had a strong reaction to. The garden behind me was boasting with flowers of every colour, lightness and playfulness and guardians such as butterflies, angels and St Francis of Assisi, whose prayer I have uttered on many occasions. As the machine scanned my body I waited rather impatiently to find out what foods I might be intolerant to, what I needed to change about my lifestyle etc. To my biggest surprise (or not) after giving me some very brief pointers in regards to food, like what to avoid (it turned out to be 3 items only) he said that what he found out from the scan is that he needs to ask me about my Christ consciousness. I almost fell off my chair. He confirmed something I felt deep inside that my 'food' issues are not physical food issues primarily, it's my spiritual hunger that I need to address. And so I will keep addressing through meditation and writing this blog. To close this entry I would like to share something very beautiful I experienced with a lady in the nursing home the other day. I had taken her breakfast in and was helping her eat it as her mobility doesn't always allow her to do it on her own. As she is not a very talkative lady and doesn't say very much instead of chatting with her I decided to pray for her. As she was eating her porridge I was silently uttering a prayer to Archangel Michael to look out for her on that day. Little did I suspect that the moment my prayer was uttered, she would look up to the ceiling and say 'what is that fluttering of wings I see?' Could there have been any clearer confirmation???