True colours...

This peculiar journey I am on is one of discovering or rediscovering my true colours and not being afraid to let them shine. One of the first steps on this path was on a late summers day, when an old friend sent me this particular song from Cindy Lauper, True Colours. I sat there on that quiet Saturday morning in my living room, surrounded by all the things I thought meant the world to me and all I could do was cry, because something of what was in that song, a song I used to sing joyfully many years ago, was missing from my life and it was time to face that. It was no fault of anyone but myself, I was too busy people pleasing and 'working hard' to allow my soul some space to spread its wings. Everything fell apart on that day... If I had been a little more aware at the time I could have suspected this was coming. A few weeks earlier I had attended an exhilirating painting workshop with a beautiful lady, Natasha where my inner little person's cry for attention was already revealing itself in the painting above. Magical things happened in the course of those three hours. At first I sat down and started painting my picture calmly and meticulously, choosing bright and happy colours, carefully moving the brush along the canvas making sure no brush stroke would be out of place. This is how it began...

...when Natasha had the genius idea that we could use her canvas to have a bit of 'fun'. As there was nothing 'at stake' there my energy shifted and I felt this urge to grab some darker colours and use wilder, braver brush strokes, enjoying the fact that it was not 'my painting' it didn't have to be perfect! Something moved in me then. Returning to my canvas after this mini detour I looked at those dark colours again and the urge in me to use them and make what I thought at the time was a mess of my pretty picture became unstoppable. The delightful rainbow above turned into a brown muck that looked more like a muddy puddle more than anything, yet there was something so purifying in what I was doing...

There I was, abandoning my brush and by this time pouring paint all over my hands, sliding the cold and sticky paint all over my mucky canvas, completely absorbed in this sublimely sensorial experience. I felt like a child discovering a secret garden with all the toys she has ever dreamed of; it was magical. At that point I no longer cared about the mess I had made of my rainbow, the outcome was no longer important, it was all about the lightness and joy that filled my entire presence... ..and the minute I had accepted that mess and chosen to enjoy the moment Natasha showed me something that blew me away. She gently brought to my attention that if I start scratching the surface of my 'mess' the colours I had meticulously painted earlier would appear again! Oh the excitement at discovering that all was not lost!!! The end result filled my heart with peace and gratitude, because allowing the darkness to blend with the colours of my pretty and 'perfect' self gave birth to something more alive and vibrant than anything I could have ever imagined. Don't be afraid to make what might seem a mess of your life. You can't hide your true self no matter how hard you try, it will shine through in ways you never expected! Happy getting messy to all of you ;)

You can be whatever you want to be!

You can indeed, just look at Lujzi, she decided to be a daffodil today! For those of you who also find the winter a bit too long and slow, here's a thought. Even this magnificent tree started out as a tiny seed one day.

Although sometimes around this time of year it may seem like nothing is happening, time is standing still, there are tiny seeds germinating all around us, waiting for the spring sunshine to emerge. Nurture those seeds in you, no matter how tiny they are, and trust that by doing so you are becoming all that you can be! And a little drop of wisdom from Satyananda, he says you don't need discipline to do the things you love. So let's do more of what we love and less of what we think we 'should'! And I'm not just sitting here giving advice, I had my very first official singing lesson today and can't wait for the next one! Thanks to music and my doggies these particularly tricky winter months have lightened up and filled me with hope :)

Unleashed...

If you look closely at this picture you will catch a glimpse of a rainbow on the horizon. It appeared on the day we were forecast frost and snow. Likewise if you look closely at any storms that might be passing through your life, you might discover your own rainbow of hope there too... Lujzi came back into my life to a)help me get rid of the rest of my marbles, b)keep teaching me valuable lessons. Since the last time I got her back I've not had the courage to let her off the lead again. This last time I really thought I was going to lose her for good and the thought of not knowing whether she was safe and well was very troubling. So off we went two days ago for our lunchtime adventure, Dorka happily bouncing around the heathlands on her own fetching sticks, Lujzi walking beside me. At first I had the same sinking feeling that has been revisiting me in the last 11 years, the feeling that I need to release her for her to be happy too like Dorka. It was this way of thinking that led to so many desperate searches in the woods, so many calls to the dog warden, many many challenging situations. Today however, a subtle change crept into the air, there was something so inviting in the glorious sunshine, the grass playfully waving with each stroke of the gentle breeze, carefree finches circling above our heads, dancing from one tree to the next; the field became a playground beckoning us to join the fun. A feeling of lightness picked me up and made me run with the wind, Lujzi running alongside me, and for the first time in a long time there were no thoughts racing around my head, no prayers uttered, tears falling, frantic holding onto Lujzi's leash, there was just the here and the now and the purest joy and laughter I had experienced in a long time. Dogs are such sensitive creatures, they picked up on my feathery mood and bounced along with it. Looking back in my memory it feels as if we flew across the heathlands and floated back home with our feet never even touching the earth. As I arrived at the back entrance of the site I thought, what an amazingly fun walk that was and I didn't even let Lujzi off the leash. And at that moment came the realisation, all these years I was so busy worrying about her joy and her fun, that I completely forgot to allow myself that joy and fun, which in turn would have allowed her to bath in mine alongside me. Likewise with relationships I always thought that by being with me the other would feel tied down, because I was too busy thinking about what would bring them joy. However, when you open the floodgates of your own joy, you realise how simple and effortless everything becomes, and everything that was confusing before, falls into place, giving space for peace and serenity. All my life I've been wracking my brain about what's my purpose here. Lately the feeling I'm getting is that it's as simple as finding whatever brings us joy and doing as much of it as possible. When you're experiencing pure bliss in whatever activities make your heart sing, it becomes contagious. That is the best you can do for the world and those around you. Follow your deepest joys! For those of you who have the time and would like to share, it would be lovely to hear feedback on what that is for you? Wishing you all a happy day :) Nx

Life is full of surprises!

Who would have thought that a day that started like this... ...would end like this... Life is full of surprises so pay attention or you might miss them! :)

Wind of change...

I used to find strong winds very disturbing and aggressive. Today I am grateful for them. They are blowing the dark clouds from this morning away and heading out into the fields they allowed me to catch a glimpse of the sun that is always there, I just can't always see it... Thank you for music too, especially Nat King Cole and his timeless classic 'Smile' the perfect cure for a day like this...

Look who's back from her mini retreat?

They say dogs often take after their owners. Well, with Lujzi that couldn't be more accurate, she sure knows how to pick a holiday spot! My journey yesterday led me through beautiful slopes and green pastures, and finally after an hour's drive I found the little monkey in a sanctuary in Bere Regis. As you can see from the photo Dorka was not exactly exuberant at Lujzi's return, she looked more like she was contemplating whether she should hop out that window and go for a retreat herself just to keep away from that little menace of a mother of hers!

After a well deserved snooze on MY duvet, something I don't think they supplied her with at the kennels(!) she was already dreaming up her next holiday destination...

Some things never change! :)

Lost and found yet again!

The latest update on Little Miss Houdini, she has booked herself into some kennels for two nights for £35 a night, I'm guessing she was served freshly caught salmon on a silver platter for dinner, hence the cost of accommodation! Going to pick her up tomorrow. Well, what can I say, not much has changed in her since those toy chewing days 11 years ago, see picture above, except maybe the fact that now she chews her own bottom instead! Can't wait to see that little menace...

11 years... (part 2)

Special year I said? After the events of this weekend I’d say creepy, mysterious, challenging but overall fascinating. As I mentioned earlier Lujzi, my little magician disappeared yesterday. There’s nothing special or unusual about that, it has become an everyday thing in our household, but what is different this time is that she hasn’t reappeared in two days. This has never happened before. I searched for her in the heathlands using all my creativity and joy I was clever dickying about in a previous entry, I left the caravan open all day hoping she would wander back after her fun and today I called the dog warden which usually does the trick in the end. Nothing! No sign of her as if she has vanished into thin air… When I’m not blogging or dog walking lately most of my life consists of visiting elderly people as a part of my job. They love to ask me about my adventures, my dogs or ‘little herbs’ as one of the ladies calls them. Today all of them were worriedly interrogating me on the latest update of Lujzi’s disappearance, and one of them asked me a question to which my answer made my own jaw drop… She asked me how long I had had Lujzi and as I said ‘11 years’ I could not believe the latest piece of the puzzle of synchronicities. It was 11 years ago that my Dad passed away, that I first discovered that chapter in Doreen Virtue’s book, that the girl said to me ‘you’ll see what happens in 11 years’ and it was 11 years ago also that my brother brought home a shivering little 8 week old flea bag from the street that he first thought was a hedgehog, but it turned out to be our menace called Lujzi. I don’t know where all this is leading me but I am determined to find out. Furthermore, as an interesting detail, the last time I went away on my Shakti dance course weekend, which is held in a magical college in the middle of a forest, I met a girl who was a shamanic healer. That specific day I had had a mini meltdown on my way to the course over something tragic like not finding my phone and as I arrived at my dog sitter/healer’s house I asked her if she knew any reliable shamanic healers as I had been receiving various signs to go and see one. We chatted about the topic and then I forgot about it. That night there was a special Shakti dance session taking place which involved crystal bowl healing as well. It was powerful beyond belief, and after the session ended somehow two half crescents lit up in front of my eyes and radiated whether my eyes were open or shut. If that wasn’t weird enough, the teacher ended the class saying ‘go and say something off the wall to someone’ so that’s exactly what we did; a girl who I had just met, and myself were walking up the hill, discussing tree hugging. All of a sudden we heard the sound of a tawny owl, I wish I could take credit for recognising the bird, but it was this girl who told me as it turned out she was a shamanic healer!!! So off I went the next evening to see her and try one of her healing sessions. That night, walking to her house on top of a hill and back to my accommodation I saw 6 shooting stars, and a seventh on the following night. I don’t think I’ve seen so many in my entire life. One of them made its way across the sky just as we had reached her house to start the session, accompanied by the hooting of yet another tawny owl. To cut a long story short, one of the things I was told after this session was that my power animal or totem animal as the Native Americans would say is an eagle and that it appeared straight away at the beginning of the session. The reason I mention this is that the night of Lujzi’s dissapearance, the first night I spent without her, I had the most vivid dreams I have had in a long time and I remembered clearly in the morning that I had seen the drawing of an eagle…

Let it out!

Today I went for a stroll through Branksome Chine with a very good friend. The trees there were magical as always, little hidden gems like this stone gate, squirrels running around searching for their acorns, an insanely cute little chihuahua taking one of it’s first clumsy walks saying hello to every passerby offering its tiny paws as a greeting, the sun reflecting on the sea making it bathe in golden light. The whole setting and the company I was in was pure bliss. I have quite a few special people in my life whose friendship is a true blessing. This particular friend has the ability to bring out the crazy child in me like few others. We’ve gone swimming in the freezing sea in the pouring rain with our clothes on, we’ve rediscovered the joys of riding a carousel, screaming like 5 year olds and today she managed to come up with her latest idea for an adventure. She said she felt like letting her voice out in the middle of nowhere and just screaming and letting off steam. Having lost Lujzi for the umpteenth time this morning (she’s still missing) and with other bits of life’s intricacies making life a bit more challenging than usual she didn’t have to convince me that that was a great idea! Now we just had to find a safe place to do that, the beach and Chine packed with people, we had very scary ideas of where we’d end up if we tried it there! So we started walking home, getting more and more eager to get into mischief. At some point we realised we had the Chine all to ourselves so we thought now or never! We climbed up the side of the hill and took a few encouraging breaths reassuring each other that we hadn’t quite lost all of our marbles yet, checked my pockets – still a few there – and off we went, roaring like lions! What a refreshing thing to do. We live our lives always trying to be proper and polite and well behaved, how often do we really get the chance to just go wild. That wasn’t enough for my dear friend, she thought that coming down the cliff should look more like a landslide than anything else! Luckily we survived all of this intact and noone called the police – good to know people are around if next time we’re actually screaming for help! 

jealousy...

If you’re expecting any wise thoughts on this topic you might as well stop reading here, because this is still one of those rough edges of myself that I am searching for a way to smooth. But perhaps all my asking for guidance and inner work has been heard somewhere because the other day I was sat by a little lake and perhaps I added a few drops of tears to the surface of the water when I heard the engine of a plane approaching. As I looked up above me, to my disbelief, the exact same plane from a few days ago, with MULT (past in Hungarian) written on it was just passing by and again not landing but flying off into the unknown. If that wasn’t enough of a coincidence, by the time I walked to the gate near my caravan site, that exact same plane, or another one with the same writing on it flew past me again. I don’t know how to overcome jealousy and insecurity, but I promised myself then and there to never compare myself to anyone again and to give myself the same appreciation, respect and compassion that I try so eagerly to give to others. There is only one of us and each and every one of us is so spectacularly unique, it’s just a matter of finding in what way we are and trusting that someone else will take the time to find that in us too! 

Harmony

Walking in the woods the other day, this tree caught my eyes. At first I thought what a sad sight it is standing there broken in half, but for some reason I couldn’t get it out of my head. I walked past it and then turned back and remembered something I had heard just recently in a recording of Alan Watts. He was talking about how if we examined our bodies close up we would see millions of battles taking place amongst our cells and still overall these cells make up a balanced body. He then went on to explain that in the same way we can look at the struggles in the world such as disease, war and other problems as a part of a larger harmonious whole. I took a few steps back and took a picture of that same tree surrounded by other healthy ones and all I could see was this beautiful forest, all the little individual imperfections blending in with the beauty of the bigger picture. Then I started to contemplate what a blessing that tree must have been at some stage of its life to so many creatures, how many birds must have built their nests on it, how many squirrels might have chased each other, owls sat on it to observe their prey, and how many fortunate ones found shelter under it from the sun or rain. Not to mention that one day it might become fuel to keep a family warm or paper to spread inspiring ideas in the world. No matter how ‘broken’ you are you are unique and valuable and have your own special purpose in life. And the best part is finding that perfect place where you can blend in and become part of a bigger, more beautiful picture, uplifted and supported by those around you.

11 years...

This story begins exactly 11 years ago, back in Hungary, when a brief but all the more meaningful friendship entered my life. She was a troubled soul bless her and just needed a friend and a home for a while so she ended up staying with me for a brief period of time. This girl told me she had a very unique relationship with the universe and she handed me a book, the title of which I never made note of, but all I knew was it was something to do with angels. I opened the book on a random page and as I started reading I almost dropped the book. It was the recording of a psychic reading, a girl talking to her father who had passed away. This was about a year after I lost my Dad. The conversation, without going into detail, could have been the conversation I would have had with mine, to the dot. Every minute detail other than the names was accurate. I found it very strange at the time, but soon forgot about the incident and the girl disappeared from my life just as mysteriously as she had entered it, but in one our last conversations she said to me something like 'you'll see what happens in 11 years time!' I tried to find out what she meant, but she wouldn't tell me, but I calculated that I would be 33 years old by the time whatever was going to happen would occur. About three months before my 33rd birthday I was browsing the internet for some books I wanted to order, I had an insatiable appetite for inspirational, spiritual books at the time devouring one after the other. One title caught my attention, I have no idea how I came across it thinking back, it was Doreen Virtue's 'The Lightworker's Way' and something made me order it. A few weeks later I pop home from the nursery to let the doggies out, there's a package waiting for me. I open it with curiosity, it was my Doreen Virtue book. My 30 minute lunch break usually allowed me to spend about ten minutes at home so I just wanted to take a very quick sneak peek of the book and opened it at a random page. My heart skipped a beat. It was the exact same book and chapter and exact same page!!! I had been holding in my hand 11 years earlier... Something told me this was going to be a very special year indeed..

You're never lost

If my memory serves me right it was in a Native American story that I came across the idea that you are never really lost. The story was about a boy who loses his way in the woods and the message of the story is that although the boy might think he is lost, the trees in front of him know exactly where they stand, everything is a matter of perspective. Today I went to the woods not to get lost but to find my way. Nature always shows you the way, or a way. The sunshine and grass was beckoning me just to lie down and soak in the warmth of the sun and just be. All I could see was the vast blue sky, all I could hear was the rustling of my rascals in the grass and the warm earth underneath me lifted me out of my confusion and restored me, renewed me, gave me faith to keep trusting life.

...I take it back, somebody in my caravan seems to have got lost and mistaken my bed for hers! :)

Shelter...

This little wooden structure the doggies and I discovered today in the woods looks like something someone had built as a shelter or a secret den. I also found some other shelters lately, one of them being an incredibly inspiring TED talk that I came across at the perfect moment. I was going through a phase of feeling abandoned, not very important, sending out messages of love but not receiving anything back, or receiving not quite what I was expecting at the time. This very wise lady inspired me to write the most important love letter I'll ever write, and recieve more importantly, one to myself. It may sound silly, it's not something I've ever contemplated doing, but felt unbelievably soothing and empowering and definitely started me on a very determined path of self appreciation and inner strength. It is true, how can we ask somebody else to love us if we can't do that? So next time you are waiting for a text or email or phone call that doesn't come, create that loving space for yourself first and the rest will follow, I believe. Proper evidence is yet to reveal itself so you're going to have to trust with me on this one. My prince on a white horse has not appeared on the horizon yet, but more meaningful then that is that it doesn't matter anymore when that happens, because I'm happy right where I am :) My other shelter became a wonderful recording of Satyananda, whose Satsang I've had the fortune of listening to live as well. His CD 'The Way Home' did exactly that, brought me Home to myself. In this recording there is a conversation he has with a man, who is struggling in his relationship with not getting his needs fulfilled and asks Satyananda for guidance. Satyananda's question to the man is whether he himself is fulfilling those needs for himself, is he giving himself those things or only expecting it from his other half. This may be common sense to some, but it was an enlightening moment for me. Do we stop to think, become still and start giving ourselves more of what we're wanting or do we start nagging our man or lady for more of whatever it is that we're lacking? I know which one I was doing and also know what I'd like to do different from now on...

Turn your face to the sun...

This picture of Lujzi reminded me of another of my favourite quotes, one I always try to live by: 'turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you' One sunny day, (mind you where I live it always seems to be sunny, I love my caravan sweet caravan :)) I was watching the sky from my little meditation mound; if you sit still enough sometimes you can spot deer coming and going and I have a real soft spot for deer, I find them magically graceful and mysterious creatures. So there I was looking for deer or anything else to admire and I rested my gaze on a tree behind which the sun was making its way across the sky. At this moment my forever busy mind interrupted the stillness and reminded me of some of the things I was up there to forget, so I took a deep breath and asked for guidance. All of a sudden a magpie that had been hiding on one of the branches opened its wings and took flight. Poor little magpies, whenever I used to see one before I moved here I would always remember the '1 for sorrow, 2 for joy rhyme' and would always feel a bit sad when I would see 'just one'. Not anymore, they are beautiful and extremely intelligent creatures and I started watching its journey across the vast landscape. One of my celestial communications, the link to which I've added here , offers the following wisdom 'If you listen carefully enough to anything, it will talk to you' This magpie had a lot to say... As I had been watching that tree I had collected many rays of light from the sun behind it and as my eyes followed the bird, so did the rays of light in the form of a pink cloud, wrapping it like a warm blanket. This cosy blanket stayed with the bird until my eyes could no longer follow... My wish is that we all find our sun, whatever fills us with warm rays of light, because those rays warm you and protect you when the cold winds blow. And remember to keep going back to that sun, we all need to recharge from time to time! With love and sunlight :) Nx

Dancing cobwebs

There's an inspirational website I like to visit from time to time and the opening quote on it today was something like this (translated from Hungarian) 'every worry holds in its hand a gift. You look for worries because you need their gifts' Heading out to the fields for our lunchtime walk we were welcomed by glorious sunshine. As the doggies sniffed the shiny grass and started digging holes in the ground instead of pulling them along like I usually do, I lay down in the grass with them, and the sight that greeted me made me giggle like a child. If I had a more sophisticated camera you would be able to see on the photo above the millions of tiny silver lines dancing across the grass. I have never seen anything like this before, these tiny cobwebs like an orchestra conducted by the sun moving playfully in perfect harmony with each other. Think of this next time life throws you on the ground and find your own dancing cobwebs :)

On Love

This tree is my temple. I sit under it to sing, to pray and just be. Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet is a gem that I like to revisit from time to time and one of my favourite quotes from it is about love: 'stand together, yet not too near together; for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.' This tree gave me a deeper understanding of that quote. One clueless day I had just finished singing my celestial communications under this tree on my special hill and stood up to walk home with the doggies when a thought crossed my mind. I've always felt very at home in nature and love trees and plants, but have not yet joined the herd of tree huggers. It's a very special feeling to be in contact with the elements, but it's an activity I've not yet had the urge to engage in so I said what the heck, what have I got to lose and stood there holding onto that tree like my life depended on it. And then came the realisation: standing so close to that tree I totally lost perspective of it, I could no longer see it, admire it, I could only see the ones around it clearly. I believe that is how we are with relationships if we hold someone too close to us, we lose sight of who they are and can no longer admire them in their true beauty. Allowing space is a gift. It would have been helpful to realise this sooner, but then everything always happens at the right time and it's never too late to start doing what's right for us. A little snapshot of my post-celestial communication doggies, it's amazing the effect music and singing has on animals: Enlightened Lujzi:

And snoozing Dorka:

When you're on the edge of a cliff, make time for play!

Another profound wisdom for the day, brought to me by silly billy Dorka - we sat on the edge of the cliff watching the sunset and the world go by. What does she do? Never mind the cliff, let's play! Always find time to play, even or especially when you're on the edge of a cliff! :)

Leap of faith

After a sunny morning with horses I felt like treating my doggies and myself to an adventure at Hengistbury Head, one of my favourite places in the world, so off we went to explore! I was in a bit of a contemplative mood, not having slept much thetnight before, he  tiredness always brings out a bit of nostalgia, sadness in me. However, a little puddle of water reflecting the sunlight just as we were approaching the seafront sparked a thought: maybe I'm like that bit of water, just a few steps away from the open glorious sea, I just can't see that yet. All it takes for that puddle to meet the sea is a bit of imagination :) I felt somewhat better after that.

Your presence is a gift

Today I had the fortune to spend the morning visiting my second family consisting of many four legged creatures like the one in the picture and some precious two legged ones too! Blue, this beautiful and very sensitive horse allowed me to witness such a magical moment with him, I am very grateful for the experience. With a sneaky polo mint I headed towards him trying to get as close as possible to have a 'talk' to him as his lovely owner suggested I do. As I got closer and closer I noticed a shift in my intention, I no longer wanted to talk to him, I wanted more to listen, watch and share a moment with him, just being present with him. As I watched his face, I started to become more aware of the wind blowing gently, the sun warming my face, the grass waving with the breeze and noticed my reflection in his shiny eyes. He must have noticed the shift in my energy or intention because he came very close to me, something he hasn't done very often in the many times I've been there and just stood there next to me looking at me, so close I could almost hear him breath. That moment would have made such a beautiful photo with the sun behind him, but I didn't want to spoil it and scare him away with my camera so I just enjoyed every second of it while it lasted. I then understood what Buck Brannaman meant when he said you can only live in one place at a time, the past or the present. I chose the present today, and what a wise choice it was :)

Following your joy and creativity in adversity

Take a good look at this rascal, she's a Houdini with four legs! The disappearing acts she has produced in our brief 11 years together would make any illusionist jealous! I could write a whole book competing in length with War and Peace about the variety of ways she has ditched me and joined the list of 'lost and found' walking home a 20 minute route on her own in Charminster, being driven home in an elegant BMW, also in Charminster, rearranging the Christmas decorations in my neighbour's caravan while looking for a pussycat to mess around with, being carried around in the heathlands like a little princess, the list of adventures goes on and on. Looking back I find her escapades hilarious, but usually not while they are happening. This was the case one innocently starting Friday morning. I opened the caravan door to get the leashes for the dogs, but not being quite awake yet after a week of sleeping 5 hours a day by the time I could blink twice the little devil portrayed above had squeezed out the entrance of my awning and disappeared into thin air. Now I'm not very proud to admit this but I don't usually deal very well with situations like this and trying to channel anger and frustration has always challenged me in many ways. However, becoming more and more aware and accepting of things lately I decided to change my course of action and try something more uplifting than panic or reciting all the swear words in all the languages I know. I decided to look at this event as an adventure, as a way to test my intuition, my communication with nature and the universe. There is a lovely elderly lady I visit every day and she said to me that whenever she can't find something in the house she talks to her loved ones who are no longer with her and says 'come on you lot, where is my so and so' and she says it works every time! So I thought what have I got to lose, I sparked up a conversation with my Dad asking him to lead me to Lujzi. The first signal arrived in the shape of a robin, just as I asked my question, the robin landed on an antenna in front of me and pointed its head past my left shoulder. I turned around and headed in that direction and ended up in the field near our reception on site. I looked around, but no sign of Lujzi. I asked again, what now? And the only clue-like thing I could see was two ladies chatting in the shop, so I headed that way and asked them if they had seen her, but no luck, so I was ready to give up this very silly, or so I thought at the time, expedition. Something inside me said to just keep trusting and do something I enjoy. So instead of frantically crawling under caravans and bushes, I headed out onto the heathlands with my other rascal, who at this point was probably bored to tears of looking for her mother and off we went to climb a little hill that has become almost like a daily pilgrimage in our lives. On this hill is a tree that I love to sit under and has witnessed many of my celestial communications I've been practising for my Shakti dance course. So we ran and played and sang and headed back to the caravan, wondering what Lujzi might be up to in the meantime. As I approached the little shop where I had seen the ladies earlier, one of them called out to me. She shouted to me joyfully, that they had found a very muddy Lujzi and that she was already safe and sound in my caravan looking for me! So maybe the second clue wasn't so silly after all and my wish is that I remember this lesson well in the future and respond to the unexpected and frustrating events with creativity and joy, turning disaster into adventure. Thank you Lujzi and Dad :) but no thanks for the muddy pawprints on every inch of my home sweet home! :)

Releasing the past

Nature has become my healer, my sanctuary, one of my dearest friends. When you can't get yourself to talk to anybody, the trees and the sky can be a very attentive audience :) Many a tears I've cried in the last couple of months with 'only' the birds and the leaves of the trees as witnesses. On one of these desperate afternoons I headed out to the woodlands to have a little natter with nature and clear my head and I prayed for release, for help in letting go of all that no longer serves me, of all that was and no longer is. A split second after I uttered my prayer, I heard an airplane approaching above my head, which is no surprise living near the airport, I watch them take off and land every day. But not once had I seen any writing on them that had any interpretable meaning. At this desperate moment however, life sent me a message - on this plane were the following four letters MULT (meaning past in Hungarian). The plane flew past me and instead of landing on the runway, it disappeared on the horizon. I felt deep gratitude and serenity at being heard and answered.

So I bought a caravan...

Apparently caterpillars go through such a transformation by the time they become butterflies, that even their DNA changes. Half a year ago I was happily planning a wedding, busy educating small children in a Montessori nursery and living in small flat with a courtyard garden, manicly trying to keep my 15-20 plants alive, taking 15-20 minutes to get to some green space to breath and play with my dogs. Today I step outside my caravan and straight onto the heathlands where there is no bad weather only birdsong and stunning sunsets with miles and miles of mother earth for my dogs to explore, trees and grass and bushes as far as your eyes can see, I'm doing care work, building a natural cosmetic business, learning to teach Shakti dance, taking singing lessons and alone, but not lonely. I feel like that caterpillar must feel, completely transformed and struggling a bit to understand what to do with this 'new' identity. Ken Carey wrote in one of his books that he would recommend for everyone to try living closer to nature for a while. I've never felt so alive, so aware, so in tune with myself and the world around me. Every day something happens that makes my heart sing, that I want to share with the whole world, hence this new blog journey I am embarking on. All my life I've been trying to find a religion, or faith or spiritual practice I could identify with. Now I understand what Deepak Chopra meant when he said 'Religion is belief in someone else's experience. Spirituality is having your own experience' As crazy as it may sound lately it feels like every tree, bird, song, number plate even the wind has a message if you listen and observe carefuly, a story to tell. I am going to do my best to tell these stories and hope someone else will find as much meaning in them as I have been in the last few months. The first one I'd like start with involves getting lost and discovering a nearby lake. I love to explore with my doggies and chose a path I had never wandered onto and was led to a vast lake that had been created by all the rainfall occurring around that time. As I followed the little path with the woodlands on one side and the lake opposite, I came across an enormous tree trunk blocking the path so I sat down on it and started gazing at the water, losing myself in the moment. In the water I noticed a bird, a white bird resembling a stork but couldn't tell from where I sat and sadly I'm no expert at identifying birds, but the message this bird had for me was much more meaningful than whether I knew its name or not. As I watched this graceful bird popping its head in the water from time to time to look for fish, a thought crossed my mind: where is it's other half, I wonder if another bird is going to show up. It was no surprise that this question was important for me, I was deeply grieving my lost relationship, not really being able to grasp the possibility of living life 'alone'. And almost instantaneously the answer was handed to me. I spotted its 'other half' in the form of its reflection in the water. It hit me then, whoever we are, whatever place we are in energetically, spiritually, emotionally in self awareness or whatever you want to call it, that is what we are going to call in to our lives, that is the kind of person we are going to attract. I then promised myself to become the best and fullest, most complete version of myself that I can possibly be, before thinking of looking for 'another'. That takes me to a very thought-provoking idea about marriage from a Fred Astaire movie I watched the other day, The Royal Wedding. It was in this film that I heard a gentleman say something like 'I need to learn to enjoy my own company before I have the nerve to ask somebody else to do that' which I thought was absolutely spot on!' I can't wait to share more of what I've been learning, observing, discovering, but I want to keep the entries short and sweet, and thank you to whoever is listening, I know these messages will find the right person, people. With love and light, N :)