I expected to love my baby more than anything in the world.
The reality is that every expression in his shiny eyes takes my breath away, every new little sound he makes warms my heart and every touch of his delicate fingers is precious beyond words.
I expected this journey to be challenging, but nothing prepares you for the reality of not sleeping when you need to, for giving more than you actually have to this beautiful little person, for the marathon days of lockdown in rainy winter when your sweet illusions of what kind of mother you would and should be are put to the test in the trial of a lifetime.
It doesn't matter how tired you are, or you haven't looked in the mirror for days and your showers are barely a minute before your night shift begins. Yes, night shift, because laying beside your baby and being able to nourish him with your body is the miracle of life itself, but in the small hours, when the battery of your soul is screaming 'recharge me please!' your precious little being can seem like a relentless slave driver, and you can feel like there's absolutely no one in the world but you..
You expect to be a joyful, caring, patient, postcard perfect Mother.
Nothing prepares you for the rollercoaster of emotions you are going to feel.
Along with the joy comes the emptiness of sleep deprivation.
The caring moments can be followed by screams of desperation only heard by your pillows and your so longed for patience can turn into frustration that shakes your entire being.
Being here for my child has been the most meaningful, rewarding, invigorating and eye opening 'job' I have ever undertaken; and also the most all consuming and humbling.
In this role there is nowhere to hide from yourself and uncomfortable emotions that the world treats as taboo. You learn to accept your imperfection, you work through your anger, you embrace your falling short, you're finally forced to heal addiction to unhealthy food for the sake of nourishing your beloved child.
You take a bigger step than ever before on the road to self care and nurturing, because the words that you can only love others less than yourself finally hit home.
And you put your hand on your heart in deep gratitude for your child, the greatest gift God has ever given you, and all the angels in disguise who are your family and friends, without whose help and support you never would have made it this far.
I have been so blessed in even the most difficult moments and my faith made so much stronger by making it through. All those true friends and family who have stood by me in my darkest moments, I love you and appreciate you so much and am so very blessed to have you in my life.
To my gorgeous, loving Daniel, sweet Daddy to Christopher, thank you for giving me my first 'lie-in' in 8 months to be able to write all this down.
I also extend all my love and prayers to all you other mum's soldiering through lockdown and winter, seeing other children only in buggies or on TV. I hope and trust in connecting with you in much brighter days to come.
Love love love as a dear friend of mine always says when she signs off <3
