A Noemi adventure to Sandbanks Ferry

It was a gloriously sunny December morning and Saturday, which is life skills day. Charlie and Noemi were chosen to take Allen and Joe out for lunch.

'What shall we do, where shall we go? ' they thought?

Now anyone who knows these four well enough knows Noemi is always up for a Saturday adventure and Charlie is not one to miss out on a spontaneous outing. Joe, furthermore, is a passionate Sandbanks Ferry fan and Allen on this particular day was very content in joining the fun and taking in the scenery.

So into the little white car they hopped and excitedly typed the words Sandbanks Ferry into Google maps. Joe's face was beaming, perhaps competing with Mr Sun in the sky! Allen was joyfully flicking through his chosen magazine for the day, open to whatever this journey might bring.

There was one little problem. There was barely any petrol in the little white car. So as excited as everyone was to glide across the water to Studland, they had to stop at the petrol station. Would Pete's credit card work? Phew! Thankfully it did, so there was no stopping this eager bunch. Off they rolled, with the sparkling sea and the glorious ferry as their next stop.

Up they chugged slowly and steady onto the vehicle that would transport them to the other side. The sea breeze was refreshing, the sun warming their faces. The water lapping at the side of the boat, guided them safely to the Studland shore. Down they rolled to see where this road would lead them, deliberately not choosing a destination but leaving it up to this beautiful life, to show them where they would stop for lunch. 

Following the windy roads and enjoying the gorse bushes and sea views, they decided to turn left and see if there was a place there to stop for lunch. They arrived at a beautiful cottage looking place with a sign outside saying 'The Pig'

Charlie said, how about this one? Noemi had a vague recollection that this was a very very posh place with potentially very posh prices, but in the name of adventure they decided to investigate. There was no harm in taking a glance at the menu. The hotel/ restaurant offered the most breathtaking views onto the Purbeck and a roaring fire surrounded by cosy armchairs. The menu on the other hand offered steak for £95!!!! Or a handful of kale for £15? Nope, they thought and the search for a pit stop continued.

Not far down the road from The Pig stood the Bankes Armes, not quite as exquisite looking, but still with a sense of charm and character. Perhaps the little white Barn car agreed as it stopped literally in front of the building and the gear stick would not budge. Not forwards not backwards. Oh yikes, are we going to end our adventure here, so teasingly close to our destination?

With a bit of hope and prayer and fiddling with the gear stick and keys the little white car came to its senses and was soon safely parked in the South Beach car park, allowing the hungry four to recharge their batteries. Fish and chips, sausages and mash, chicken pie and wild mushroom risotto were on the menu here and all of that for the price of one steak at the previous joint! So enjoying the blue of the water in the background and each other's company they munched until it was time to return to the car park as receiving a parking ticket was not on the itinerary that day!

The journey back involved no satnav, just following road signs, just allowing the road to lead the way, through beautiful Swanage and even allowing us a glimpse of Corfe Castle standing proudly on the hill, inviting us on perhaps another adventure at another time. 

And would you believe it, we ended up back at the Ferry! Joe had no complaints whatsoever about going across a second time, while Allen grinned away still inspecting his magazine carefully.

By this time sundown had almost arrived and the sky above the water was a warm and cosy orange, wishing us farewell and thanking us for visiting this way and having had such a joyful time while doing so. At the end of the day, Joe asked if we could do this again another day? My answer was 'I wholeheartedly hope so!' 

Angels, fairies and ouchy knees

Dear Christopher, 

You have been having a bit of a rough time with your little knees lately. 

First you bumped into a boy at school and grazed it quite badly. Then as it had just healed, and you were so proud of how beautifully it had, you slipped and opened up the wound. After that event you were struggling to sleep at night as it was hurting and you were worried about it healing over, so the following story came to me. 

There once was a 5 year old little boy Christopher, who loved running as fast as the wind. Everywhere he went, he flew. One day at school as he was enjoying his speed, another little boy came racing towards him and they knocked each other over. Christopher's knee was so badly grazed that even his trousers ripped open. His little friends Maddie and Lorcan held his hands and walked him inside gently and lovingly to be taken care of by a kind teacher. 

The days passed and his knee was healing beautifully. Christopher kept checking it and saying how well the scab was recovering. However, not long after the skin had grown over the ouchy, Christopher came home again having slipped on the playground and reopened the wound. 

This boy was so brave to have gone through all these falls and to be patient enough to wait for the scar to heal not once, but twice! But what he didn't know was that when he wasn't looking at his scab or picking at it to see if the scab would come off sooner, or when he was peacefully asleep in his bed, tiny fairies were busy at work mending his precious little knees. 

Christopher had to be very still though, because if he took one look at the knee or started touching it, that would frighten these healing little beings away. 

The story went something like this and before I got halfway through it you were fast asleep, and woke up bright and cheerful in the morning saying you had seen the light of the little fairies. 

That night we were chatting about the fairies again and you brought up angels and we said a prayer of protection to Archangel Michael when you said you could see their light around our bedroom window. The moment you said that, the photo frame on that window sill toppled over. We felt like it must have been a reassurance from them to let us know they were watching over us as we slept. 

Thank you 🌷

Thank you Christopher for your smile that lights up the room and your endless curiosity and creativity and joy you bring to our lives. Thank you for your adorable and insightful chattering that I want to bottle up and remember forever. 

Thank you Daniel for your quiet and peaceful presence, for being a sturdy rock of unconditional love for my wild and untethered soul and for our beautiful boys, four legged and 2! Thank you for your ability to capture life's special moments on camera like no other, for your courage to play, whether it be the guitar, lego, rough and tumble, basketball, you're a special Dad and a beautiful friend. 

Bluey and all our other furry friends we've loved over the years, there are no words for the kind of love you give. The thought of even the smelliest surprises you occasionally leave on the lounge floor melt away when I see Christopher cuddling you and calling you his little furry brother. 

Thank you Mum for your loving presence in our lives. You're always there looking for ways to make our lives easier and always ready to be of help. Thank you for nourishing us with your incredible food and for being my favourite help at the allotment. I love the time we spend there taking in the view, digging and weeding, nattering about all things big and small and of course the well earned cappuccinos on the bench after! 

Thank you Linda for the joy and warmth you bring to our lives and for the special bond you have with Christopher. Thank you for raising Daniel to be the man he is, the father and husband he is. He has so much of your warmth and humour and you both bring so much lightheartedness to even the most mundane moments. 

Thank you Bazska for being the best brother I ever could have wished for. I just utter a problem and you've already solved it. Christopher adores your craziness and so do we. I'll even keep putting up with you embarrassing me in public because of the charming ways in which you go about it! I also appreciate you not throwing matchbox cars at me anymore or sinking your teeth into my knees! :) 

Thank you for our beautiful big family of adopted Dads, sisters, brothers, nephews and nieces. We are so blessed to have all of your loving presence. 

Last but not least my heart is filled with gratitude for all the crazy, gentle, nourishing, unbelievable friendships I have been gifted with over the years. I hope wholeheartedly that you all recognise yourselves when you read this. You are part of my family and I love you all in so many different ways. Thank you for hearing me, seeing me, accepting my weird and wonderful quirks and for giving a lifetime of sacred moments to cherish. 

N💝

U❤️

A beautiful little discovery from my morning walk with Bluey... 

Whether it be my neuro speciality or just one of my quirks, I can get quite particular about how I'd like to do my spiritual practices. In my ideal world I wake up and open A Course in Miracles, or any other book I'm drawn to at that moment and read a quote that will guide me on that particular day. I would then meditate briefly on it, breathe mindfully and then move mindfully with yoga or qigong and THEN start the day. 

Does this ever happen? Those of you with a child and pet, or anyone or anything to look after will probably understand, that this kind of undertaking is pretty near impossible. 

So I cut corners. 

Today is St Nicholas's day in Hungary, so job #1 this morning on waking was wrapping tiny bits to go in Christopher's and Daniel's boots. 

Meditation had to be merged with my Bluey walk (Bluey our dog, not the world famous one, although our dog is making his way up there with his tail wagging social skills) So I listened to my Course meditation for the day while juggling admiring autumn leaves and the light of the sun peeping over Hambledon Hill, with the odd not so graceful extracting of Bluey made substances from wet blades of grass! 

Today's meditation was centered around expressing gratitude for the gifts you've received from God throughout the day. I was lit up by the task and started listing all the wonderful people and circumstances in my life, perhaps a poem to follow from that later... 

I carried on my daily circuit around the winding streets of our village, thinking of more and more things to give thanks for, when I arrived at Daniel's car. Not technically his car, it's a hire car he's using while his van is being fixed. 

 I felt an unstoppable urge to trace I love you on his front window and reverse it so he could read it from inside. 

My fingers glided through the morning mist revealing a backwards U and a heart and as I looked at it to see if it was visible, my heart skipped a beat. Literally underneath it was a mirror image of what I had written. I tried to capture an image of it, I could not believe my eyes. A tiny message from above to say the love you send out returns to you. Or 'giving and receiving are one in truth' as the Course puts it. 

This was undoubtedly the best present anyone has snuck into my boots on St Nicholas's day. 

U❤️

Dear Christopher 01.12. 25

My darling Christopher, 

I wanted both of us to remember this start of advent, which was my favourite of all time. 

We woke up together and you asked for your usual back scratch! 'Harder mummy' you say and I do it until my arms drop off.

The we read a beautiful Hungarian Christmas poem that was a gift from your Godmummy Erika. You liked the picture of the cosy tree decorated with warm colours. 

We then found our wooden nativity set and you asked if you could put it up on your desk in your room. So there it is with everyone snuggled up inside, hiding from the rain, as it's a very wet day out today!

You lit the candle in the robin candle holder that you chose from the Range the other day and we munched on our breakfast together, you on your peanut butter and honey toast with frozen cherries, yes frozen cherries! And I on my carrot and cherry porridge and we chatted about Christmas memories. 

I told you about one I had as a child in Ulladulla in Australia, as it has stayed as one of my favourite Christmases from my childhood.

We also read a few pages of my favourite book, The Boy the Mole the Fox and the Horse and you said the boy doesn't know very much as he's asking a lot of questions. We then established that it's quite brave to ask questions and perhaps it shows that you actually know a lot, but you're curious. It's wonderful to be able to stay curious isn't it?

I asked you what you thought Jesus was like? I said I thought he was kind and funny and forgiving. You added 'loving'

Mummy: I often talk to Jesus when I have a sad or angry heart and when I need to be forgiven for something.

Christopher: Does he forgive you?

Mummy : Always.

Christopher : How do you know?

Mummy : Because I always have a peaceful heart after I talk to Him.

With all my love my precious boy, 

Mummy x

A miracle a day... Day 2

1 God's will for me is perfect happiness.

2 I share God's will for perfect happiness for me.

A miracle a day... 

According to a Course in Miracles forgiveness gives me everything I want. We are also reminded that we do not do the the forgiving, we just need to show the tiniest bit of willingness and the Holy Spirit takes care of the rest. There is also apparently no order in the importance of miracles. No miracles bigger or smaller. Yet in this form my miracle today was seemingly minute.

I had to return a small parcel of socks that Christopher didn't like. Now there's a miracle that wouldn't be so minute, finding a pair of socks he likes! But about that perhaps another time. The link by the return code was telling me to go to a post office just up the road in a small village near us.

 'Oh no!' I thought to myself. 'The lady who served me there last time was so grumpy!' And with that thought I was already looking for other post offices offering return services. But the lousy Internet signal and more importantly my small inner voice was whispering 'forgiveness opportunity' as is everything in this life from the smallest nuisance to the biggest of tragedies.

So i decided I was willing to forgive her and myself. When we need to forgive others it's really ourselves we need to forgive. 

I calmly got out of my car and walked in the shop where this post office was. There was a lady ahead of me in the cue. Taking what felt like half an hour. Forgiveness opportunity number two! When she stepped away I took a deep breath and probably forgot to take another one for a few minutes half expecting the lady behind the window to tell me off again for something. But I managed to smile at her as if I was seeing her for the first time in my life. And she smiled back. And we exchanged pleasantries and she sorted my parcel and off I went with a peaceful heart and a quiet smile.

In the few years I've been practicing the Course I've been having more and more moments like this. With strangers, with loved ones, with myself. I've decided to pluck up the courage and start sharing them. Writing brings me joy, I'd almost forgotten just how much joy actually. If only one person is touched by these words, then me sitting here reflecting was worth it. May you be as blessed by these lines as I have been by the ones that inspired them. Nx

A miracle a day... Day 1

 Lesson 115 (review) 

1 Salvation is my only function here 

2 My part is essential in God's plan for salvation 

A miracle a day... 

Today I was tempted to do a routine walk with my dog and I almost got him back in the car when I remembered that I wanted to capture something beautiful on camera before the day was through. So off I went for another circuit and was amazed at the stunning landscape I had taken for granted the first time around. I am grateful that I was nudged to look for beauty, and with that intention, there it was. It reminded me of a gratitude practice I had heard of in a Charlie Mackesy interview. The interviewer was telling Charlie that every evening he thinks of three things he is grateful for, which as it turns out has made him go about his day with a gratitude mindset, looking for things to be grateful for. I felt like that today. I was determined to see beauty, and there it was, I just had to become present and really look with my heart and notice it. 

The journey home

 As the sun set deep in the horizon

The brightest star appeared in its place

Although forever out of reach, you knew it was guiding you home

Back to safety, innocence and a long forgotten LOVE 

What if?

 What if I am much more than my past mistakes and beliefs about myself?

What if I were able to forgive those, and those I believed had hurt me and misunderstood me?

What if I could start a fresh page in my story right now and rewrite all that no longer serves me?

What if right now is really all that there really ever is and was and will be?

What if I could really love myself the way I try to love everyone else?

What if I could choose love and joy in every moment instead of fear and judgement, of self and others?

What if I allowed myself the fun I so often hold back on?

What if tomorrow was my last day, how would I live each moment?

What if I truly believed I was lovable and fun and worthy of being listened to and appreciated?

What if I was able to remember to play and make my child (and inner child) laugh more?

What if I was finally able to nourish my body and soul in the ways it craves to be cared for?

What if I could look in the mirror and smile and really see myself, see beauty and not flaws?

What if I was brave enough to find my voice and sing the song that has been trapped inside me for far too long now?

What if I wholeheartedly believed that I have a gift to share too, like everyone else in this world?

What if I wasn't an exception to all the compassion and forgiveness I hand out to others every day?

What if I I could let go of labels like 'boring' and 'rude' and 'fat' and fill all my dark corners with everlasting light?

What if I could wake up in the morning with joy in my heart, grateful for another day to live my truth and lovingly make time for writing and dancing and mindful breathing while also gracefully tending to all the needs of all the precious people, animals and plants in my care?

What if I could put all my building blocks I've collected over the years together and build the life I am worthy of living?

What if I could fearlessly embody the magnicence I am meant to shine through?

What if I could take a tiny moment like a ladybird on my beautiful boy's hand and let the gratitude of that simple yet profound presence permeate all that is?

I put these thoughts out this particular sleepless night as prayers filled with hope for a more peaceful, present and joyful tomorrow.

Thank you Zsuzsi for the inspiration ❤️

Yours truly,

N

Why did you go for a diagnosis?

So many people, when I shared about my diagnosis, looked at me in utter disbelief and asked why I went for a diagnosis in the first place?

The clue was already there in my closest friendships. I was noticing a pattern. Most of my nearest and dearest friends were either already with a diagnosis, undergoing one, or suspected they were but didn't feel like they needed clinical proof for their differences.

My final nudge come roughly about a year ago, the experience is still a bit raw to write about, but something is whispering now at my 3am insomnia, 'just go for it'

We had just moved house, not just moved but went through the lengthy process of buying one, which is no small undertaking at the best of times. However, when you have a small child who needs you in so many ways, when your mental health is fragile for reasons you cannot even begin to fathom yet, and when you, for again reasons still left to completely untangle, feel like you had to juggle 90% on your own, because you pretend to be the confident one, or controlling? Who knows? Anyway, around May time we were in. So many emotions whirling in my head, gratitude for the opportunity to finally live in the beautiful countryside, exhaustion from forms and emails and phone calls and skip runs and old house painting, new house surveys, title deed bla bla bla an endless list of beautiful bureaucracy that somewhere in another life you apparently signed up for completing on your own...

Then you decide it would be a good idea to leave your much beloved community behind, where you've worked for the past six years on and off, the longest job you've ever held down, behind, because you can't justify driving 50 minutes there and back because what about the environment! And the voices of others still ringing in your head, 'when are you going to use that teaching diploma you studied for?' (Instead of reaching for something totally delightful like floristry or reflexology that might actually be good for your soul...) 

So for reasons beyond your own self nurturing you decide to go and work with teenagers with issues in a special school. This is no longer your beloved community. You feel like a sore thumb sticking out every day and teenagers can smell your fear and they make sure you know they know. I pushed myself for almost a whole school year to fit in. Only to be told time and time again, oh you're probably not making friends here because everyone else who came here already knew someone here. And you have mental health issues? 'Oh my mental health has always been great'. It has I thought? Well thanks for sharing that, so reassuring.

The days got harder to face, sometimes starting in tears in my kitchen, with no one to witness them, or at least acknowledge them. I'd give absolutely everything I had during those six hours, wiping my reserves completely dry for the one child I was living for, my own. The thought of a threeish month notice period not a reassuring prospect.

It's all a bit of a blur, but the proverbial rock bottom came one night when I tried to console my child in the middle of the night when he was upset and he just wanted his daddy at that moment. I was triggered beyond belief and I threw something and something fell off Christopher 's window sill. He then said to me the words that set the whole gruelling year to come in motion 

'Mummy you break everything!...'

My heart an aching mess, I lay on the grass looking up at the night sky sending out a silent cry for help to whoever was up there, out there, out anywhere. I would never contemplate ending my own life, but totally understood why some people would end up there in moments like these...

One thing led to another, I needed to actually physically reach out for help. Then came the phone calls, the visits, the meetings with Christopher, the advice, the two women sitting in my kitchen asking questions and looking at me with obvious pity in their eyes, not a clue or an inkling about the person inside this petrified and humiliated body...

I don't wish the experience on anybody, not my worst enemy, which I don't have. My spiritual practice doesn't allow me to look at anyone as other than myself. But some people I do have to try and forgive a lot harder than others. Most of all myself...

It was in the depths of these heart wrenching months that the questions of the possibility of  neurodiversity entered the already quite entangled mess of an equation. I thought what do I have to lose. So I filled in the questionnaire and the rest is so called history.

3.33 in the morning seems like a good time to stop writing, but I would like to share a quote before I go. I read it on the ceiling of Christchurch priory a few years ago. 

It went something like this 

Always be kind.

You never know what battles people are fighting inside.

In that year I so wished more people had looked up at that ceiling and taken those words in 🙏🙏🙏

 

This is ME autism to authenticity

 

The word autism back in the day used to just mean Rain Man to me with the moving performance of Dustin Hoffman. A few years later it was on the papers of students I supported in various settings. Little did I suspect at the time that one day it would be on my own NHS report.

It took me a mere 44 years of confusion, isolation, low self worth, eating disorders, communication struggles, loneliness and overstimulation to finally shed a tiny bit of light onto what may have contributed to a lot of that.

An old Hungarian magazine I used to read in my teens had a weekly article, 'I can't tell anyone, therefore I will tell everyone' I feel a bit like that. If I had a penny for every time I was told 'you think too much ', 'you overanalyze everything ', 'you're too sensitive ', 'you say thank you too often!' . The times I tried to be kind and offended and the times I tried to be real and still offended... I've reached a point of exasperation with trying to reach the outside world. Just about the only person who gets me is my five year old son. One difficult evening when I was feeling like a complete failure having been told I was always grumpy, I asked him if that's how he saw me. 

His reply warmed my heart. He said 'Mummy you're more kind than grumpy '. There's hope after all I thought. He still has the beautiful quality of seeing the good in the midst of challenges. After a really tense day at home I asked how his day was. He said 'mummy it was the best!' I said how? His reply was 'i loved going to the allotment with you and getting you muddy' He is my biggest gift in this life, my ray of light.

How does it feel to be someone who is apparently on the autistic spectrum? According to a loved one 'everyone has struggles'...

Does everyone feel physical pain when a door is slammed or an ambulance switches on their sirens next to you?

Does everyone hide in a room at parties and cries because all the small talk and noise and too many people in the room is just too much.

Does everyone have a hugely complex relationship with food swinging from yo-yo dieting to anorexia to bulimia to orthorexia to the point where you feel bad no matter what you put in your mouth...

Does everyone feel exhausted from seeing even their own family for too long?

Does everyone feel like they have nothing meaningful to say because the way they try to express themselves just never gets to the other side the way it is intended?

Does everyone feel physical pain when feeling frustrated and then feel the ocean of shame of not being able to regulate one's emotions at the 'tender' age of 44?

Does everyone wake up in the morning frantically looking for their Course in Miracles book to do the early morning meditation before the day throws anything at them afraid that without it they won't be able to cope?

Is it really true that everyone gets the same anxiety at cooking a complicated meal at work and then gets asked to do two more things and then the phone starts to ring and you can barely breathe at the thought of not being able to get through the list of jobs piling up?

I'd love to know if everyone does feel these things... It would make me feel so much less lonely.

For now I take one day at a time and connect deeply only with those who allow me to be totally authentic. I used to be a social butterfly. The numbers have hugely dwindled to about a handful of people if that, who REALLY get me, appreciate me, and allow me the space to be unapologetically ME.

I thank you if you are one of those. You mean the world to me.

If anyone resonates with any of this, I will be glad to know if I've caused you just a second of relief from feeling alone with it all. If anyone wants to reach out privately I'm here. I'm happy to listen to anyone who is ready to be real. I don't have time or energy for any pretending any more.

With so much love,

N🦋