Wednesday, 18 September 2019
Tuesday, 17 September 2019
Diary of a Mama to be
This diary is dedicated to Grace Arnold, our baby in heaven, thanks to whom I am starting to believe I can be the kind of Mama I have always wished to be.
It's 2.45am and it seems to be the trend in this pregnancy that my body wants to do everything but sleep at this time of night. Things like pray, eat peanut butter and oatcakes (this is the only time I can get away with peanut butter as there are few things hubby detests more!) and write. I won't mention the hundreds of trips to the loo or alternating between sweating buckets and trying to hog the blanket back from Daniel and Dorka, who sometimes occupy 95% of the bed!
So if I'm not going to get any sleeping done, I might as well share some of the million thoughts whizzing through my hormonal brain.
My only experiences with motherhood have not been the easiest so far, so it's no surprise that sleeping at night has somewhat gone out the window. I go to bed with the best intentions, whispering positive affirmations to tiny bump, uttering my childhood prayer I learned from my sweet great grandma asking God to watch over all my loved ones, sometimes I even spoil myself with a foot massage or yoga breathing and or lemon balm tea. Nevertheless, I wake up in the night checking whether I still feel nauseous, still have tender everything and hoping so much that everything is going to plan in there. It takes a lot of trust to hand all those worries over after having had a missed miscarriage, where you have every sign of pregnancy only to find out that baby is no longer with you.
The other night I came downstairs to have melon, as you do in the middle of the night when you're growing another human inside you, sat on the sofa enjoying the stillness of the night, when the words 'natural mama' popped in my head. So I googled it or shall I say I 'Ecosia-d' it, a new search engine I use to help support the planting of trees. And I found a beautifully inspiring family who share videos and have written a week by week guide about natural pregnancy, which I cannot wait to receive in the post! I listened to a very moving interview with Genevieve Howland, the mama who started this project, and found so inspirational the honesty with which she shared her journey through 3 miscarriages and her reconnecting with Faith, quite literally, for she named the rainbow baby they had after the losses Faith. You can listen to the interview here if you feel called to
https://youtu.be/Ezq3FJxR0-A
I also found reassuring and uplifting the ease with which she talks about her faith and her struggles with it in the midst of all the miscarriages.
Signing off with gratitude for this Godsend reassurance and will go back and try to reclaim my 5% of the bed! 💞
It's 2.45am and it seems to be the trend in this pregnancy that my body wants to do everything but sleep at this time of night. Things like pray, eat peanut butter and oatcakes (this is the only time I can get away with peanut butter as there are few things hubby detests more!) and write. I won't mention the hundreds of trips to the loo or alternating between sweating buckets and trying to hog the blanket back from Daniel and Dorka, who sometimes occupy 95% of the bed!
So if I'm not going to get any sleeping done, I might as well share some of the million thoughts whizzing through my hormonal brain.
My only experiences with motherhood have not been the easiest so far, so it's no surprise that sleeping at night has somewhat gone out the window. I go to bed with the best intentions, whispering positive affirmations to tiny bump, uttering my childhood prayer I learned from my sweet great grandma asking God to watch over all my loved ones, sometimes I even spoil myself with a foot massage or yoga breathing and or lemon balm tea. Nevertheless, I wake up in the night checking whether I still feel nauseous, still have tender everything and hoping so much that everything is going to plan in there. It takes a lot of trust to hand all those worries over after having had a missed miscarriage, where you have every sign of pregnancy only to find out that baby is no longer with you.
The other night I came downstairs to have melon, as you do in the middle of the night when you're growing another human inside you, sat on the sofa enjoying the stillness of the night, when the words 'natural mama' popped in my head. So I googled it or shall I say I 'Ecosia-d' it, a new search engine I use to help support the planting of trees. And I found a beautifully inspiring family who share videos and have written a week by week guide about natural pregnancy, which I cannot wait to receive in the post! I listened to a very moving interview with Genevieve Howland, the mama who started this project, and found so inspirational the honesty with which she shared her journey through 3 miscarriages and her reconnecting with Faith, quite literally, for she named the rainbow baby they had after the losses Faith. You can listen to the interview here if you feel called to
https://youtu.be/Ezq3FJxR0-A
I also found reassuring and uplifting the ease with which she talks about her faith and her struggles with it in the midst of all the miscarriages.
Signing off with gratitude for this Godsend reassurance and will go back and try to reclaim my 5% of the bed! 💞
Dancing to faith
In the last 9 months I've been through three losses, trained to become a Nia dance instructor and am in week 6 of my second pregnancy. It's been everything but an eventless year.
Rewinding to end of November 2018, November 29 I believe it was, I'm sat in the dining room of my Alpha Course hosts. It's our last but one session, and the topic is prayer. They offer to pray for everyone in the group individually, for our own specific issues, mine being our (medically) unexplained infertility.
I don't think too much about this, with Christmas soon approaching and with nearly 4 years of trying without success. Christmas passes and January arrives. Without a period. I'm too scared to get hopeful after way too many negative tests. However, after a week I pluck up the courage to buy a test. On January the 8th I took a day off to be free to celebrate the end of the Alpha course. I happen to do the test on this very morning. I notice a new curiosity sneaking in instead of the fear of the negative, and I think, what if it was a yes?...
...And there it is, the first time in my life, ever, the test says 'PREGNANT 2-3 weeks'
I cannot believe my eyes! I wake hubby up, who's still half asleep, but not for long. We are both swept into a wonderful, yet scary new reality of becoming parents, or so we thought...
That evening I decide to share at the Alpha celebration what a blessing the Alpha course has brought into our lives. Never in my life have I had so many people offer to pray for me, for us.
The following 8 weeks is a bit of a blur now, but involves lots of nausea and stress at work, strains in our relationship over priorities in life at this stage, a 3 week illness with the worst fever and aches I've ever had, praying baby would stay strong in spite of the paracetamol and antibiotics I very reluctantly ended up taking, and my 38th birthday, 4 days after which I'm told baby no longer has a heartbeat....................................................................................................................................................
Come April, barely a month after Grace left us (I chose a name for our baby as part of my healing) we find out that Daniel's granddad is very poorly, with very little time left. So come the hospital visits, which turn into visits to his care home where he was receiving palliative care, to our final visit to say farewell on April 22.
The funeral is tough, with moments I'm not sure who I'm crying for more, granddad, the baby or myself...
Our two dogs who have been an unbelievable comfort in my life through the worst of times, are not so much anymore. Lujzi, our 15 year old is fast deteriorating, sleeping all day, losing mobility and hearing and slipping away from us gradually. Our final cuddle happens on June the 3rd at an emergency vet in Wimborne where we decide to let her go and be free of pain. And she falls into my arms for the last time. I'm absolutely heartbroken............................................................
My heart in pieces, my faith a mess, my body and soul joyless I try to get through every day as best as I can, but I feel like I'm just a hollow shell being blown around by the wind.
✨✨✨
My first glimmer of hope arrives in the form of a Nia dance leaflet I pick up at a friend's yoga class, and instantly I have an urge to look up the next training date. Little more than a month later I'm dancing through my sorrow in Crispin Hall Glastonbury, and rediscovering the healing power of dancing. I feel joy, I feel hope and I want to wake up in the morning again just to move my body, to experience freedom from pain, both physical and emotional.
I thought I couldn't possibly cry any more tears, but the dancing moves things buried deep down inside and the dance floor becomes healing, cleansing medicine for me.
My teacher on the training brings to my attention that it is not unusual for ladies to fall pregnant soon after a Nia training. Our conception happened within less than a month. The magic of Nia paired with a powerful reconnection to my faith, brings a second positive test, a new ray of hope.
Where my faith was concerned, I was so struggling to fit into the box I created in my mind of what a relationship with God should look like. Bringing dance back into my life I was able to open up to a whole new world of connectedness to body mind and spirit and my own intuition.
Today I am hopeful and grateful for everything that has happened, as it has made me who I am right now. A stronger, healthier, more joyful and balanced person than I've ever been.
I can't wait to embark on this journey of becoming Mama once again with fresh eyes and surrendering to the will of God and letting go of wanting to control the outcome. The one thing I do know is that dancing and my faith are a well of strength and inspiration on my journey, and ones that I will always be able to depend on no matter what.
🙏💃🙏
Rewinding to end of November 2018, November 29 I believe it was, I'm sat in the dining room of my Alpha Course hosts. It's our last but one session, and the topic is prayer. They offer to pray for everyone in the group individually, for our own specific issues, mine being our (medically) unexplained infertility.
I don't think too much about this, with Christmas soon approaching and with nearly 4 years of trying without success. Christmas passes and January arrives. Without a period. I'm too scared to get hopeful after way too many negative tests. However, after a week I pluck up the courage to buy a test. On January the 8th I took a day off to be free to celebrate the end of the Alpha course. I happen to do the test on this very morning. I notice a new curiosity sneaking in instead of the fear of the negative, and I think, what if it was a yes?...
...And there it is, the first time in my life, ever, the test says 'PREGNANT 2-3 weeks'
I cannot believe my eyes! I wake hubby up, who's still half asleep, but not for long. We are both swept into a wonderful, yet scary new reality of becoming parents, or so we thought...
That evening I decide to share at the Alpha celebration what a blessing the Alpha course has brought into our lives. Never in my life have I had so many people offer to pray for me, for us.
The following 8 weeks is a bit of a blur now, but involves lots of nausea and stress at work, strains in our relationship over priorities in life at this stage, a 3 week illness with the worst fever and aches I've ever had, praying baby would stay strong in spite of the paracetamol and antibiotics I very reluctantly ended up taking, and my 38th birthday, 4 days after which I'm told baby no longer has a heartbeat....................................................................................................................................................
Come April, barely a month after Grace left us (I chose a name for our baby as part of my healing) we find out that Daniel's granddad is very poorly, with very little time left. So come the hospital visits, which turn into visits to his care home where he was receiving palliative care, to our final visit to say farewell on April 22.
The funeral is tough, with moments I'm not sure who I'm crying for more, granddad, the baby or myself...
Our two dogs who have been an unbelievable comfort in my life through the worst of times, are not so much anymore. Lujzi, our 15 year old is fast deteriorating, sleeping all day, losing mobility and hearing and slipping away from us gradually. Our final cuddle happens on June the 3rd at an emergency vet in Wimborne where we decide to let her go and be free of pain. And she falls into my arms for the last time. I'm absolutely heartbroken............................................................
My heart in pieces, my faith a mess, my body and soul joyless I try to get through every day as best as I can, but I feel like I'm just a hollow shell being blown around by the wind.
✨✨✨
My first glimmer of hope arrives in the form of a Nia dance leaflet I pick up at a friend's yoga class, and instantly I have an urge to look up the next training date. Little more than a month later I'm dancing through my sorrow in Crispin Hall Glastonbury, and rediscovering the healing power of dancing. I feel joy, I feel hope and I want to wake up in the morning again just to move my body, to experience freedom from pain, both physical and emotional.
I thought I couldn't possibly cry any more tears, but the dancing moves things buried deep down inside and the dance floor becomes healing, cleansing medicine for me.
My teacher on the training brings to my attention that it is not unusual for ladies to fall pregnant soon after a Nia training. Our conception happened within less than a month. The magic of Nia paired with a powerful reconnection to my faith, brings a second positive test, a new ray of hope.
Where my faith was concerned, I was so struggling to fit into the box I created in my mind of what a relationship with God should look like. Bringing dance back into my life I was able to open up to a whole new world of connectedness to body mind and spirit and my own intuition.
Today I am hopeful and grateful for everything that has happened, as it has made me who I am right now. A stronger, healthier, more joyful and balanced person than I've ever been.
I can't wait to embark on this journey of becoming Mama once again with fresh eyes and surrendering to the will of God and letting go of wanting to control the outcome. The one thing I do know is that dancing and my faith are a well of strength and inspiration on my journey, and ones that I will always be able to depend on no matter what.
🙏💃🙏
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