Monday, 18 August 2025

What if?


 What if I am much more than my past mistakes and beliefs about myself?


What if I were able to forgive those, and those I believed had hurt me and misunderstood me?


What if I could start a fresh page in my story right now and rewrite all that no longer serves me?


What if right now is really all that there really ever is and was and will be?


What if I could really love myself the way I try to love everyone else?


What if I could choose love and joy in every moment instead of fear and judgement, of self and others?


What if I allowed myself the fun I so often hold back on?


What if tomorrow was my last day, how would I live each moment?


What if I truly believed I was lovable and fun and worthy of being listened to and appreciated?


What if I was able to remember to play and make my child (and inner child) laugh more?


What if I was finally able to nourish my body and soul in the ways it craves to be cared for?


What if I could look in the mirror and smile and really see myself, see beauty and not flaws?


What if I was brave enough to find my voice and sing the song that has been trapped inside me for far too long now?


What if I wholeheartedly believed that I have a gift to share too, like everyone else in this world?


What if I wasn't an exception to all the compassion and forgiveness I hand out to others every day?


What if I I could let go of labels like 'boring' and 'rude' and 'fat' and fill all my dark corners with everlasting light?


What if I could wake up in the morning with joy in my heart, grateful for another day to live my truth and lovingly make time for writing and dancing and mindful breathing while also gracefully tending to all the needs of all the precious people, animals and plants in my care?


What if I could put all my building blocks I've collected over the years together and build the life I am worthy of living?


What if I could fearlessly embody the magnicence I am meant to shine through?


What if I could take a tiny moment like a ladybird on my beautiful boy's hand and let the gratitude of that simple yet profound presence permeate all that is?


I put these thoughts out this particular sleepless night as prayers filled with hope for a more peaceful, present and joyful tomorrow.


Thank you Zsuzsi for the inspiration ❤️


Yours truly,


N

Sunday, 27 July 2025

Why did you go for a diagnosis?



So many people, when I shared about my diagnosis, looked at me in utter disbelief and asked why I went for a diagnosis in the first place?


The clue was already there in my closest friendships. I was noticing a pattern. Most of my nearest and dearest friends were either already with a diagnosis, undergoing one, or suspected they were but didn't feel like they needed clinical proof for their differences.


My final nudge come roughly about a year ago, the experience is still a bit raw to write about, but something is whispering now at my 3am insomnia, 'just go for it'


We had just moved house, not just moved but went through the lengthy process of buying one, which is no small undertaking at the best of times. However, when you have a small child who needs you in so many ways, when your mental health is fragile for reasons you cannot even begin to fathom yet, and when you, for again reasons still left to completely untangle, feel like you had to juggle 90% on your own, because you pretend to be the confident one, or controlling? Who knows? Anyway, around May time we were in. So many emotions whirling in my head, gratitude for the opportunity to finally live in the beautiful countryside, exhaustion from forms and emails and phone calls and skip runs and old house painting, new house surveys, title deed bla bla bla an endless list of beautiful bureaucracy that somewhere in another life you apparently signed up for completing on your own...


Then you decide it would be a good idea to leave your much beloved community behind, where you've worked for the past six years on and off, the longest job you've ever held down, behind, because you can't justify driving 50 minutes there and back because what about the environment! And the voices of others still ringing in your head, 'when are you going to use that teaching diploma you studied for?' (Instead of reaching for something totally delightful like floristry or reflexology that might actually be good for your soul...) 


So for reasons beyond your own self nurturing you decide to go and work with teenagers with issues in a special school. This is no longer your beloved community. You feel like a sore thumb sticking out every day and teenagers can smell your fear and they make sure you know they know. I pushed myself for almost a whole school year to fit in. Only to be told time and time again, oh you're probably not making friends here because everyone else who came here already knew someone here. And you have mental health issues? 'Oh my mental health has always been great'. It has I thought? Well thanks for sharing that, so reassuring.


The days got harder to face, sometimes starting in tears in my kitchen, with no one to witness them, or at least acknowledge them. I'd give absolutely everything I had during those six hours, wiping my reserves completely dry for the one child I was living for, my own. The thought of a threeish month notice period not a reassuring prospect.


It's all a bit of a blur, but the proverbial rock bottom came one night when I tried to console my child in the middle of the night when he was upset and he just wanted his daddy at that moment. I was triggered beyond belief and I threw something and something fell off Christopher 's window sill. He then said to me the words that set the whole gruelling year to come in motion 


'Mummy you break everything!...'


My heart an aching mess, I lay on the grass looking up at the night sky sending out a silent cry for help to whoever was up there, out there, out anywhere. I would never contemplate ending my own life, but totally understood why some people would end up there in moments like these...


One thing led to another, I needed to actually physically reach out for help. Then came the phone calls, the visits, the meetings with Christopher, the advice, the two women sitting in my kitchen asking questions and looking at me with obvious pity in their eyes, not a clue or an inkling about the person inside this petrified and humiliated body...


I don't wish the experience on anybody, not my worst enemy, which I don't have. My spiritual practice doesn't allow me to look at anyone as other than myself. But some people I do have to try and forgive a lot harder than others. Most of all myself...


It was in the depths of these heart wrenching months that the questions of the possibility of  neurodiversity entered the already quite entangled mess of an equation. I thought what do I have to lose. So I filled in the questionnaire and the rest is so called history.


3.33 in the morning seems like a good time to stop writing, but I would like to share a quote before I go. I read it on the ceiling of Christchurch priory a few years ago. 


It went something like this 


Always be kind.

You never know what battles people are fighting inside.


In that year I so wished more people had looked up at that ceiling and taken those words in šŸ™šŸ™šŸ™


 

This is ME autism to authenticity

 






The word autism back in the day used to just mean Rain Man to me with the moving performance of Dustin Hoffman. A few years later it was on the papers of students I supported in various settings. Little did I suspect at the time that one day it would be on my own NHS report.


It took me a mere 44 years of confusion, isolation, low self worth, eating disorders, communication struggles, loneliness and overstimulation to finally shed a tiny bit of light onto what may have contributed to a lot of that.


An old Hungarian magazine I used to read in my teens had a weekly article, 'I can't tell anyone, therefore I will tell everyone' I feel a bit like that. If I had a penny for every time I was told 'you think too much ', 'you overanalyze everything ', 'you're too sensitive ', 'you say thank you too often!' . The times I tried to be kind and offended and the times I tried to be real and still offended... I've reached a point of exasperation with trying to reach the outside world. Just about the only person who gets me is my five year old son. One difficult evening when I was feeling like a complete failure having been told I was always grumpy, I asked him if that's how he saw me. 

His reply warmed my heart. He said 'Mummy you're more kind than grumpy '. There's hope after all I thought. He still has the beautiful quality of seeing the good in the midst of challenges. After a really tense day at home I asked how his day was. He said 'mummy it was the best!' I said how? His reply was 'i loved going to the allotment with you and getting you muddy' He is my biggest gift in this life, my ray of light.


How does it feel to be someone who is apparently on the autistic spectrum? According to a loved one 'everyone has struggles'...


Does everyone feel physical pain when a door is slammed or an ambulance switches on their sirens next to you?


Does everyone hide in a room at parties and cries because all the small talk and noise and too many people in the room is just too much.


Does everyone have a hugely complex relationship with food swinging from yo-yo dieting to anorexia to bulimia to orthorexia to the point where you feel bad no matter what you put in your mouth...


Does everyone feel exhausted from seeing even their own family for too long?


Does everyone feel like they have nothing meaningful to say because the way they try to express themselves just never gets to the other side the way it is intended?


Does everyone feel physical pain when feeling frustrated and then feel the ocean of shame of not being able to regulate one's emotions at the 'tender' age of 44?


Does everyone wake up in the morning frantically looking for their Course in Miracles book to do the early morning meditation before the day throws anything at them afraid that without it they won't be able to cope?


Is it really true that everyone gets the same anxiety at cooking a complicated meal at work and then gets asked to do two more things and then the phone starts to ring and you can barely breathe at the thought of not being able to get through the list of jobs piling up?


I'd love to know if everyone does feel these things... It would make me feel so much less lonely.


For now I take one day at a time and connect deeply only with those who allow me to be totally authentic. I used to be a social butterfly. The numbers have hugely dwindled to about a handful of people if that, who REALLY get me, appreciate me, and allow me the space to be unapologetically ME.


I thank you if you are one of those. You mean the world to me.


If anyone resonates with any of this, I will be glad to know if I've caused you just a second of relief from feeling alone with it all. If anyone wants to reach out privately I'm here. I'm happy to listen to anyone who is ready to be real. I don't have time or energy for any pretending any more.


With so much love,


NšŸ¦‹







Saturday, 29 January 2022

5 minutes peace

 Thank you for 5 minutes silence today. To hear myself, to see what's really important, to cherish all that is around me. Thank you for reminding me that I need this. Every day. Thank you for fresh air and Gulliver's, for nature and good friends and for the sweetest family one could wish for. Thank you for bringing me back to Me ❤️



Thursday, 13 May 2021

Your hand in my hand

 Christopher


Your hand in my hand we embark on this journey called life


I promise to share your joy and tears

Listen to your hopes and fears

I wish I could make everything perfect for you, but you yourself already are...

 and often the most imperfect times in our lives bring our greatest blessings

Though my tears may be more than my laughter on this part of our road together

And my love for my self seeking a sanctuary,

My love for you cannot be expressed with words

Just as night becomes day and day becomes night, the birds nest and the eagles fly, my love for you is unshakeable

I come with many fears and a fragile heart but promise to always stand in my truth and give you the space to stand in yours


With all my loving heart


Anya


Sunday, 9 May 2021

On your Christening

Dear Christopher


May you always have sunshine to warm your heart

May you also have rain to keep you kind and grateful

May you always have faith to guide you each day

And true friends to walk with you along the way

May you forever feel loved and treasured and whole

May you always know that you are not alone

May your life be as blessed as you've made ours, our darling precious child






Sunday, 31 January 2021

Thoughts on Motherhood

 



I expected to love my baby more than anything in the world.

The reality is that every expression in his shiny eyes takes my breath away, every new little sound he makes warms my heart and every touch of his delicate fingers is precious beyond words.

I expected this journey to be challenging, but nothing prepares you for the reality of not sleeping when you need to, for giving more than you actually have to this beautiful little person, for the marathon days of lockdown in rainy winter when your sweet illusions of what kind of mother you would and should be are put to the test in the trial of a lifetime.

It doesn't matter how tired you are, or you haven't looked in the mirror for days and your showers are barely a minute before your night shift begins. Yes, night shift, because laying beside your baby and being able to nourish him with your body is the miracle of life itself, but in the small hours, when the battery of your soul is screaming 'recharge me please!' your precious little being can seem like a relentless slave driver, and you can feel like there's absolutely no one in the world but you.. 

You expect to be a joyful, caring, patient, postcard perfect Mother.

Nothing prepares you for the rollercoaster of emotions you are going to feel.
Along with the joy comes the emptiness of sleep deprivation.
The caring moments can be followed by screams of desperation only heard by your pillows and your so longed for patience can turn into frustration that shakes your entire being.

Being here for my child has been the most meaningful, rewarding, invigorating and eye opening 'job' I have ever undertaken; and also the most all consuming and humbling.

In this role there is nowhere to hide from yourself and uncomfortable emotions that the world treats as taboo. You learn to accept your imperfection, you work through your anger, you embrace your falling short, you're finally forced to heal addiction to unhealthy food for the sake of nourishing your beloved child. 

You take a bigger step than ever before on the road to self care and nurturing, because the words that you can only love others less than yourself finally hit home.

And you put your hand on your heart in deep gratitude for your child, the greatest gift God has ever given you, and all the angels in disguise who are your family and friends, without whose help and support you never would have made it this far.

I have been so blessed in even the most difficult moments and my faith made so much stronger by making it through. All those true friends and family who have stood by me in my darkest moments, I love you and appreciate you so much and am so very blessed to have you in my life.

To my gorgeous, loving Daniel, sweet Daddy to Christopher, thank you for giving me my first 'lie-in' in 8 months to be able to write all this down.

I also extend all my love and prayers to all you other mum's soldiering through lockdown and winter, seeing other children only in buggies or on TV. I hope and trust in connecting with you in much brighter days to come.

Love love love as a dear friend of mine always says when she signs off <3